Wednesday, October 27, 2010
My biggest fan (apparently), Kamilla @ Basket of Dreams, recently bestowed two different blog awards to me. Now, I’m new to the Blogger world with the exception that I used to blog frequently on Myspace. It has come to my attention that these blog awards are supposed to be dealt out and shared with at least five more people after you receive one. Remember in a recent Nigerian Poll, I’m stupid…and possibly slow. So without further ado, I’d like to announce the winners as nominated by the academy (aka me).
The first award…the One Lovely Blog Award goes to the following…
Doris @ Sprinkles of My Life
Autumn @ Ramblings of a Frantic Mother
Amanda @ Seriously.
Lisa @ Smacksy
Canilla @ From My Home and Heart
These ladies keep me entertained with their tales of motherhood/womanhood and life as they know it.
The last but certainly not least award is the prestigious Gold Framed Dog Blog Award. When dear Kamila bestowed this award on me, I merely received it through association. She awarded it to her friends/followers with awesome doggies. Since I have Super Deuce, who by the way is a lover not a fighter, being his owner made me a winner. I secretly think she took pity on me for THE butt plug being the only thing I’ve ever won.
Yet another drum roll please…
Doug @ I Like Cheese
Tricia @ Confessions of a Recovering Cynic
Jill @ In Bed with Married Women
Kristine @ Wait in the Van
The talented and hilarious writers @ The Cat Lady Gazette
Also, I would love to be able to throw an award Kamilla’s way so if any of you deem me worthy of an award I would love to have the opportunity to pass it along to her as well.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…
Monday, October 25, 2010
The best things in life are free, right? Sometimes…and sometimes those FREE things are down right terrifying.
Recently, a talented (and loveably awkward and inappropriate) lady named Tricia that I follow on Blogger had a giveaway on her blog. She asked her readers to leave a comment and later she would draw a name at random from the folks that commented. I NEVER win anything so even though the sheer sight of the item she was raffling made me clinch my butt cheeks together; I proceeded to leave a comment joking that if I won she should mail the prize to my mom. (My poor mom…) I know you are probably wondering what sort of prize was being raffled. Well, friends, some things are better said in pictures…
Did your ass muscles tighten? I bet you sobbed a little, huh?
|I'm a loser, baby.|
|the REAL gigantic butt plug...Tricia's biggest fan|
A few days or so later, Tricia made a blog post about some of her more creepy readers. Apparently, when she checked her stats she found that someone out there in cyber space had located her blog by entering the words “gigantic butt plug” in their search engine which she found amusing and decided to share with the rest of the class. Of course, yours truly had to leave a comment claiming responsibility, joking that I was so very distraught that I wasn’t the lucky winner that I frantically searched the World Wide Web for a butt plug equally as scary as Big Red.
Fortunately for me I follow Tricia’s blog because the bitch never sent me fair warning, she just blogged about it. I suppose she was afraid I’d chicken out like her last winner; instead I just clinched tight and winced.
Later after the kids went off to the Land of Nod, I opened the package. Once again, the sight of the thing made my ass muscles seize up. Then there was the note… Tricia being the silly chick that she is wrote, “I decided it needs to go to a loving home where it will be properly worshipped as it ought to be. I can tell that you will treat it with the proper respect and admiration.” This made me think of religious dogma.
Like I said before I never win anything but I guess I need to rephrase that now. I guess I don’t win anything useful…at least to me. So in conclusion as my luck would have it, the first time EVER I win any sort of raffle it is literally something to shove up my ass. Have I mentioned before that the universe hates me? Thanks, Tricia. Sorry, Mom.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Two years ago when my husband was still in the military, he did a tour in Iraq. When he received his two weeks of R&R, I spent the first week of the two sick as a dog with strep throat. I ran a high fever and I was completely delirious. At one point, I swore the kids and I went to the desert to see my husband instead of the other way around.
the bus trip and the weekend trip, check it out. Out of the entire 365 days out of the year, my body chooses the weekend I made a trip to see my husband for one of the last times I'd get to see him for awhile to bestow its red tide on me and deter my bow chick wow wow time. Mother Nature is a sick, sick bitch!
Now the universe is playing another mean joke on me. The kids have Fall Break starting tomorrow and guess who is getting ill AGAIN! Do you think karma is getting me back for picking on the con artist?
Me + Sick + Kids = Homicide
I’m just saying!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Apparently in Nigeria I’m not very smart. To be more specific, I am an idiot. If you haven’t read my previous blog post, Some Nigerian Isn't Getting Paid Today, you may want to read it before you proceed any further. I do not intend to do much recapping...mainly because I'm lazy and selfish.
On a serious note, the postal inspector I spoke to today told me to notify my bank because depending on how good this person (or persons) is there are ways that just by having my name, address, and telephone number they can cross reference accounts to locate banking and credit card information. So just FYI for any of you out there that sells on eBay, Craigslist, or any other online store.
Ta-ta for now, fellow blog addicts. I’m off to ride the short bus where my favorite crayon flavor is blue and the third window on the driver's side tastes delicious.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Two words: Mail Fraud
Yesterday, I skipped happily to my mail box. The birds were singing in the trees. All the while, I was humming Lisa’s favorite tune…”Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows”.
Upon opening up my mailbox and pulling out the ridiculous pile of bills that keeps my mailman working, I saw a Flat Rate Express envelope addresses to me from a return address I did not recognize. I brought it inside, set it on the coffee table, and stared at it contemplating anthrax and pipe bombs. Eventually, I opened it and dumped it’s content onto the table. All that fell out were two money orders, both for the amount of $829.99. If I were a cartoon character, my eyes would have bulged out of my head with dollar signs on them.
Right away, I poked my head into the envelope. Surely there must be some explanation inside but there was nothing. Then it dawned on me. I should check my Avon emails.
About a month or so ago, I received and email from Avon saying a potential customer was requesting I contact them. I sent a very generic email to a person named “Pat Smith”. The response I got back was way too good to be true.
This Pat Smith person wanted to order Avon products…like $400 worth of Avon products. However, Pat did not live in America. She supposedly resided in the UK. She wanted me to order the products and then she would send me a money order it. Then she says she would set up to have the items picked up from me from a shipping company and then mailed to her.
I had not had any email correspondence with Pat Smith (or sometimes Patricia Smith) for over a month. So, imagine my surprise when two money orders for nearly quadruple the amount of the actual Avon order showed up in my mailbox.
Later that night, I googled the address for Tamara Oliveira. It did not exist. Oooo…big shocker!! The return address and the payee listed on the money orders were not Pat (or Patricia) Smith either. It was someone named Bogden Circec. The package came from The Halifax Company in Cupertino, California. I searched it by name and by address. Nothing! I wasn’t surprised.
I found out that these particular scams are frequently called "Nigerian Scams" because that is where they are believed to have originated. I also read stories of some of these victims who were not as bright as me. Toot! Toot! Do you hear me tooting my own horn??
Friday, October 15, 2010
|Who the hell would want to put this shit in their bodies?!?!|
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The truth is family is just plain humorous from grandparents to new babies. People in general do stupid freaking things! Yes, strangers (on a bus #1 and on bus #2) are fun to laugh at but when it comes to family you get the pleasure of reminiscing over turkey and stuffing about all the ridiculous and foolish things they’ve done. Inside jokes are great. If you are in my family, FORGET ABOUT IT! You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself.
Without any hesitation I say, “Yes. That’s usually how little boys show their interest in you.”
She thinks about it for a few moments while staring out of the window and says, “The boys in my class all pick on me.”
Silence for a few moments…
“Maaa-om?” she says again.
“What if girls are mean to you? Does that mean they like you?”
“Not really. It usually means they are jealous of you. Are you not nice to these girls?”
“No. They just act like butts so I stay away from them.” She said in a matter of fact tone. It made me proud that she wasn’t putting up with girls and their bitchiness. Maybe I did something right. “Mom, what do girls get jealous of anyway?”
“Well, many things. Maybe they like one of those boys that have their eye on you. Or maybe they think you are prettier than them.”
She seemed satisfied with this answer and after a short pause she says, “Yeah, well, they sure do have a lot of UGLY girls in my class.”
It’s time to study for spelling words. I tell my daughter to give me her planner so I can call out her words.
“Spell PERSON.” I say.
Her eyes glance down into her lap as she spells “P-E-R-S-O-N”.
I thought maybe her eyes were darting because she was unsure of what she was spelling. “Spell TURTLE.”
“That’s easy.” She replies. Her eyes glance again to her lap. This time I hear crinkling paper. “T-U-R”, I get up and walk towards her. She quickly crumples up a piece of paper and hands it to me. “I wasn’t cheating.” she says. After unfolding the paper, I find exactly what I had suspected, each and every spelling word written out. BUT hey! She wasn’t cheating!!
I walk to her room. “What’s going on?” I was sure she was going to be tattling on her brother but no, nothing could have prepared me for the question my SEVEN year old was about to ask me.
In my head a million things raced through it but the only response that would fall off my tongue was simply, “When you have boobs.” And I walked out of her room.