That's Freaking Ass-Tastic!

The best things in life are free, right? Sometimes…and sometimes those FREE things are down right terrifying.


Recently, a talented (and loveably awkward and inappropriate) lady named Tricia that I follow on Blogger had a giveaway on her blog. She asked her readers to leave a comment and later she would draw a name at random from the folks that commented. I NEVER win anything so even though the sheer sight of the item she was raffling made me clinch my butt cheeks together; I proceeded to leave a comment joking that if I won she should mail the prize to my mom. (My poor mom…) I know you are probably wondering what sort of prize was being raffled. Well, friends, some things are better said in pictures…


Big Red

Did your ass muscles tighten? I bet you sobbed a little, huh?


I'm a loser, baby.

 Due to my typical misfortune, I was not the lucky winner of the gigantic butt plug. I was actually a tad disappointed. Trust me… it wasn’t because I wanted to USE it. The storyteller in me was dying to blog about the ridiculousness of it. So, yeah, I was a little sad.

the REAL gigantic butt plug...Tricia's biggest fan

A few days or so later, Tricia made a blog post about some of her more creepy readers. Apparently, when she checked her stats she found that someone out there in cyber space had located her blog by entering the words “gigantic butt plug” in their search engine which she found amusing and decided to share with the rest of the class. Of course, yours truly had to leave a comment claiming responsibility, joking that I was so very distraught that I wasn’t the lucky winner that I frantically searched the World Wide Web for a butt plug equally as scary as Big Red.

Officially, dear ol’ Tricia was so amused by my comment I became the runner-up to take the throne should the REAL winner fail to do his proper duties as Miss America, err...I mean, Captain Anal Fixation. As fate would have it, the winner came to his senses and gracefully declined the offer leaving me the conquering hero in the fight for the scary ass toy.

Fortunately for me I follow Tricia’s blog because the bitch never sent me fair warning, she just blogged about it. I suppose she was afraid I’d chicken out like her last winner; instead I just clinched tight and winced.

When my “gift” arrived, my children wrestled with the package arguing over who would open it. Since we were expecting some books from eBay to arrive, I didn’t think too much of it until my son says, “Mom? Who’s Tricia Lor-uh-something?” I nearly choked on the soda I was drinking and hurdled the sofa like a gazelle just in time to commandeer the USPS Flat Rate box out of my children’s clutches and tossed the box onto my bed to open later behind closed doors out of the view of the prying eyes of my offspring.

Later after the kids went off to the Land of Nod, I opened the package. Once again, the sight of the thing made my ass muscles seize up. Then there was the note… Tricia being the silly chick that she is wrote, “I decided it needs to go to a loving home where it will be properly worshipped as it ought to be. I can tell that you will treat it with the proper respect and admiration.” This made me think of religious dogma.

I KNOW what you are thinking! How in the hell did the delivery of a butt plug bring my brain to the topic of religion?? Tricia’s mere mention of the word “worship” sent my brain into a tailspin. Instead of being god-fearing I, on the other hand, am completely butt-plug fearing. There are people that create elaborate altars to show reverence to their gods in hopes to share eternity with them in the afterlife. I, alternatively, shall build a shrine in effort to keep the gigantic jelly toy far away from my derriere. I can’t wait to explain the mini edifice buried in my closet to my husband.

Like I said before I never win anything but I guess I need to rephrase that now. I guess I don’t win anything useful…at least to me. So in conclusion as my luck would have it, the first time EVER I win any sort of raffle it is literally something to shove up my ass. Have I mentioned before that the universe hates me? Thanks, Tricia. Sorry, Mom.