Shit You Should Know

Monday, October 18, 2010

Time To Start Shopping For Helmets and Adult Diapers

Apparently in Nigeria I’m not very smart. To be more specific, I am an idiot. If you haven’t read my previous blog post, Some Nigerian Isn't Getting Paid Today, you may want to read it before you proceed any further. I do not intend to do much recapping...mainly because I'm lazy and selfish.

Today as I pulled out of my driveway to run some errands, I got a phone call from Nevada…a number I didn’t recognize. Upon answering, the man on the other end with the very heavy accent identified himself as “Mr. Smith calling on behalf of his wife, Patricia Smith”. He wanted to know if I had cashed the money orders yet. I told him they were confiscated at the post office. He demanded to know why I took them to the post office in first place.  "Because that's what you do when they aren't real, silly.", I told in my most condescending mommy voice.  You could tell he was getting agitated with me. I was giggling on the inside because let’s face it pissing people off is what I live for.
He yelled and said that he instructed me to take them to my bank to cash them. Gee, all this time I thought I was getting email instructions from his beloved wife. I asked him, "Why on earth would I do that since, you know, they were fake and all?" He played dumb and told me he didn’t understand how they were fraudulent. I explained that the post office has this magical 800 number in place that smart people, like myself, are able utilize so that we aren’t scammed by people like him who are too lazy to get an honest job. Then he called me an idiot. As a matter of fact he called me an idiot a few times and I’m pretty sure he called me a few other colorful things in his native tongue as he ranted and raved over what a stupid thing I did.
I did something “stupid”…by not allowing this con artist to scam me, I am stupid. If you look up stupid in the dictionary, you will see my face and the following: n. person who does not get fooled by phoney money orders and enjoys poking fun at irate con artists (i.e. Ashley Coleman). Yep. Sounds like me in a nutshell. I guess I should try to be smarter next time.
Mr. Smith told me there was a mistake with the verification system and I should cash them anyway.  I couldn’t control myself any longer. I just started laughing. I was laughing so hard I seriously had tears in my eyes. On the other end of this phone conversation, Mr. Smith is yelling and cursing. Poor, poor little con artist. Things not go your way…awwww!
I was slightly tempted to wire him a dollar. Too bad you can’t wire coupons. That’s it! I’m going to collect all the coupons I can find: 10% off your next oil change, $1.00 off of hemorrhoid cream, free month of Netflix, etc. Then I’m going to mail all of it to the two addresses that I have in California and Florida. Apparently, these scammers are hard up for cash so I’m going to teach them how to save money.
I’m also going to blow up their email accounts with links to money saving websites that offer coupons, discounts, and freebies. There is nothing that pleases me more than being a smart ass. Like I said I live to piss people off. What better people to annoy than a bunch of conmen (and possibly women)? Seriously, I welcome any ideas from my readers aka minions. MUHAHAHA!  But, please, remember to use small words because I am, after all, “stupid”.
Hopefully, I will blog again soon unless I get assassinated by the Nigerian mafia or some other equally scary group. You may see me soon on a grainy Taliban-like home video with a sack over my head. Criminals don’t like to be made fools of. No, they prefer to do it on their own.

On a serious note, the postal inspector I spoke to today told me to notify my bank because depending on how good this person (or persons) is there are ways that just by having my name, address, and telephone number they can cross reference accounts to locate banking and credit card information. So just FYI for any of you out there that sells on eBay, Craigslist, or any other online store.
Ta-ta for now, fellow blog addicts. I’m off to ride the short bus where my favorite crayon flavor is blue and the third window on the driver's side tastes delicious.


  1. they are irritating ranting you even though they are already busted.. I love the way you handle that!

  2. I like the coupon bit. I would probably just send them a Xerox of my butt, but your way is classier.

  3. Very funny. . . especially that Nigerian mafia line.

    Why did you listen to him? I would have hung up.

    Having worked for a financial institution you would be surprised how many "smart" people show up trying to cash those things and get a no no that is stupid talk.

  4. @Sharon...if I would have hung up my blog wouldn't have been as entertaining. I can't help it. Pissed off people make me laugh. I would have loved to be on video chat with him just to see veins in his face and neck throb I didn't even know existed.

  5. Well done Asha. Of the last few months I've started evaluating my own experiences with a scale of 1 to 5 based on their blogability. 1 = no blogging potential. A 5 = blogging about it the same or next day.

    If I start laughing at something when my wife is around she's always the first to day, "You're going to blog about that aren't you?"

    Nice piece and well played.

  6. I follow you on GFC I came from Lady Blogger society. Please follow back if you have time


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