Shit You Should Know

Friday, April 29, 2011

Fantastic Friday Five #10

Now I know some of you thought this post wasn't coming.  Shame on you for not having faith in me.  Your doubt makes me sad.
1.) It’s no secret I’m really into zombie/apocalypse stories. Recently, I started reading The Walking Dead graphic novels. Ummm, why am I just now doing this?? It has also been suggested to me that I read the book John Dies at the End by David Wong who is also a columnist for the infamous Cracked webiste. I’m on it!  I suggest you head over to The Encyclopedia of Counted Sheep (when you're done reading this lovely post of course) and read Bryan's short short zombie tale.  I'm not going to say he wrote it FOR me but I think he sort of wrote it BECAUSE of me.  Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

2.) Our gardens are flourishing. That is a big deal all on its own especially since it has been left in my care. Back in the fall, I had to plant some bulbs and such that came in the mail. The husband had ordered them in the spring of 2010 and now he was relying on me to get them into the ground since he was away. Well, I’m proud to announce that shit is actually growing. An iris bloomed last week and another one is getting ready to do the same.
Apparently that black thumb of mine is more of a shade of gray…or maybe I just need to wash my hands better.

3.) This post has been getting some anonymous comment love lately. It seems there is something I’m going to be sorry about. Excuse me, while I get back to sacrificing virgins and drinking the blood of babies…or something.
4.) The kids and I hit up the local Goodwill store yesterday. As I picked through an endless array of romance novels, I came across a holy grail of sorts. I snagged the Lord of the Rings trilogy in a beat up old paperback for only 75 cents!! I had Billy Mays’ voice in my head yelling, “That’s a quarter per book.” How could I pass up this deal? How could I say no to Billy? I HAD to act now!
5.) Last but certainly not least, I am happy to announce that my husband will be home for good sooner than orginally planned. He decided not to do a second year in Afghanistan. Hooray! Now, not only will may sleeping habits return to normal (hopefully) I’ll be getting laid on a fairly regular basis. Whoot, whoot! Time for me to break out into song…”I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it!”

What??  Don't judge me.  Don't you dare judge me.
Well, that's it AND you got it on Friday.  Aren't you lucky??  Have a great weekend.  I know I will.  Margaritas in my I come.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

An Award, Eyeballs, and Triple F

First, it seems that in the circle of bloggers in which I’ve grown accustomed to associating myself are now trending our eyes. All thanks to Chanel, of course. So here is my contribution.  Conveniently, since I've got my eyes on all of you I have also received this award times two from both Chanel and Bryan. They recognize my awesome…or at least, they tolerate it.
As always these little suckers come with rules…rules that I intend to twist to conform to my ever changing mood.

Stinking Rules:

1. List three things you would change if you were Overlord.

2. List ten blogs worthy of world domination. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. How about three?

3. Contact them about their new position of power.

As your overlord, I would make the following changes:

1.) First and foremost, I would lock some scientists in an underground laboratory until they invented teleportation. Screw the cost of fuel! I teleport, bitches!
2.) I would also do away with telemarketers. I mean, seriously, with all the junk mail we get in our inboxes and mailboxes do we really need phone calls too? REALLY? I would also execute anyone who sold another person’s contact information.
3.) Lastly, I would lower the salaries of most celebrities, athletes, and politicians. Many of these fools have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it. I mean, how many freaking cars does one person really need? I would take their cut salaries and apply them to people who actually make a difference like teachers, librarians, scientists, charities, etc.

Now the poor bastards that get this powerful award are…drumroll please…

Jewell of Really! Wait. What?

Rancher Mom of Rancher Mom's Realm

Thundercat of Colorful Rants of a Fed Up Sista
Also since I had company all weekend, I’m REALLY behind on my Fantastic Friday Five. I figured why not just throw it in here with this post.

1.) I’ve been listening to a zombie book on tape while jogging on the treadmill. I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst time to encounter a zombie would be during sex, especially if the person you were screwing was the one turning. As George Carlin would say, “These are the thoughts what keep me from being a productive member of society.”
2.) Finally, it rained in the great state of Oklahoma and I’m happy to say the truck hasn’t leaked. Now I just need to make it to the 2nd when I’ll finally be able to get the ol’ girl fixed.

3.) The kids recently had a photo-shoot. My son wasn’t very interested but my daughter, well, that’s a whole other animal. She thought she was a superstar. Here are a few. Keep in mind some of these are were scanned from the composite sheet so they are a little gritty.

4.) I’m so glad it’s rained. Goodness knows we needed it. My lawn and garden thanks you, Mother Nature. I do have one more request. Can I get a good night time thunderstorm, preferably one with some kick ass lightening and some sweet grumbling?

5.) During my parents’ visit, we went to the mountains and we ended up in the Holy City, home of the longest running passion play. I just want to let everyone know I wasn’t struck by lightning or anything upon stepping foot in the chapel. More details about the visit soon.

‘Til next time, friends.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Summer Can't Come Quickly Enough

Twenty seven more days until school is out for summer. I’m completely mixed about it. On one hand, the thought of not having a break from the kids is a little terrifying especially since my husband is deployed. On the other, this school year has been such a merciless headache that summer may just be the relief the kids and I need.

In the beginning of this school year, I was really struggling to get my son on track. He was being completely lackadaisical when it came to his schoolwork which caused his teacher to request that he be tested for ADD and ADHD. It not only turned out to be a false alarm but the tests showed that my fifth grader was reading on an eighth grade level. These results didn’t shock me but it did make me proud that there was now proof that there was nothing wrong with him. On the inside I basically chanted “Ninny ninny boo boo!” and “I told you so. Now shut the fuck up and teach my kid!!!”

Although his grades were improving, his dislike for his teacher became more and more defined. Many days the boy would come home and as soon as he would walk through the door he would began ranting about how awful his teacher was. We would sit down and discuss it. I would try so hard to help him see her side even though I was grappling with some of her ways myself.

He’s expressed to me that he feels as if she is always picking on him and singling him out. I explained to him that he is partially to blame. He gave her such a hard time in the beginning of the year that she now has her eye on him all the time. So now if he farts crooked, she’s going to know about it. It’s not fair but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, little dude. I told him the best thing to do is to stay off of her radar and the way to do that is to not give her ammunition. Trying to convince him to work harder and keep his mouth shut and his nose clean is like trying to convert the Taliban to Christianity.

Little by little I am finding out that this teacher’s way of solving the problem is by separating him from the rest of the class. At first I thought this consisted of her having to sit him next to her desk or something like that. That doesn’t bother me but I’m discovering through more and more conversations with him that she is sitting him outside of the classroom; I’m talking in the hallway or in the empty classroom next door. My concern is how the hell are you teaching my child if he isn’t even in your class?? I don’t understand how this can be helping his grades.

Yesterday, I went to speak to the guidance counselor. I expressed my concerns about the way the boy has been feeling in regards to how he is being treated. I explained to her that I am noticing a shut down on the horizon and I didn’t want it to affect the improvement he has made so far. I asked if she would maybe talk to the teacher and explain to her the affect that her style of discipline is having on my child.

The only reason have not gone to the teacher myself is I don’t think I can remain calm. Let’s face it. If you haven’t noticed my “mother bear” is showing. My child feels picked on and I’m ready to defend him. I don’t think I can talk to her without being very confrontational. Another reason I felt the need to bring a third party into the situation is simply because if this teacher truly is “picking on” my kid, I don’t want matters to get worse for him.

I also asked the counselor to talk my son. It concerns me how angry this has made him. When we talk about his school situation, you can see the fury in his eyes as they well up with tears and he clenches his fists at his sides. I thought maybe if the counselor tried to help him understand the teacher’s stance a little better, it would help. She agreed to have a conversation with him.

Later that same day was the last straw. He was late coming home. When I questioned him as to why, he said that she made him sit in the empty classroom next door. Since he was being punished when the bell rang he didn’t get up. He figured she was going to come over, lecture him, and then dismiss him. Apparently, this wasn’t his first rodeo.

When she didn’t come to speak to him after a few minutes of waiting, he said he peeked around the corner. She was sitting at her desk on the computer. It seems that she actually forgot that he was there. This infuriated me to no end!!! I called the school. The counselor answered the phone. I let her know what had happened and she advised me that I should meet with the principal. Hopefully, I’ll get a meeting soon and I keep reminding myself that this is all almost over.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

No Sympathy For A Child Killer

Just a brief update here…

After months of nothing about the death of my ten year old son’s friend’s murder other than this, it has finally been made know that Lancey Ray, this man,
will finally stand trial facing first degree murder charges for the death of his stepson, Malik Ray, from December 23, 2011. It is believed that the ten year old child went into shock and then cardiac arrest after being beaten with a belt and a cutting board.  The brief article can be read here .

Words can never express how this event has infuriated me. The impact on my son can be found here. I do not choose to describe it again. My only wish is that the loss of Malik finds justice.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Can Anyone Else Feel A Breeze?

Oklahoma weather is insane. I thought the weather in New Orleans was unpredictable. Jeez! Thursday evening the wind began to pick up. It seemed to come out of nowhere.

My baby girl had a Girl Scout egg hunt. The boy was able to participate since he’s been dubbed an official Girl Scout Brother and has been unofficially adopted by the girls…except my daughter; she wishes they’d all take him home so she can be a “lonely” child (I think she means “only”).

During the egg hunt, the wind blew up the dust and made the leaves on the ground whip up into spirals. The air was heavy with the smell of smoke from the grass fires that raged in the distance and a milky haze filled the sky causing the mountains to resemble ghosts. It resembled early morning fog. The evening sun struggled to shine through. None of this stopped the children from their hunting game. They ran carelessly around the fields finding their brightly colored eggs filled with sweets and trinkets, oblivious to any danger.

Later that night, the winds blew violently with gusts up to 50 miles per hour. Many times during the night, I awoke to the howling of the winds whipping through the trees as branches were snapped and thrown against the house. My daughter ended up coming to the door to ask to sleep in my bed. The commotion outside had woken her up as well and probably scared the shit out of her.

The next day as I was running errands, I noticed trees ripped from the ground by the roots and fences toppled over. Branches were everywhere. Many homes were missing shingles but the wind was relentless. It was still bludgeoning the landscape with fury.

After school, I dropped my son off at a friend’s home for a sleepover (is that what you call what boys do??). My daughter and I headed to Wal-Mart in search of a futon to put into Buddy’s old room. The wind was still blowing around something terrible and when my daughter went to get out of the truck the wind snatched that door and nearly flung her onto the pavement. Luckily, there was no vehicle parked next to us or our door would have crashed into it causing some awful damage.

As we exited the truck, my daughter called over to me that she couldn’t close the door. When I came around the truck to the passenger side, I had to jerk the door nearly as hard as I could to get it to become unstuck. I assumed the door had been whipped open further than it was supposed to and had just needed to be yanked back into place. We went ahead into Wal-Mart and I didn’t think another thing about it.

When we returned to the truck, girl child went to get back in and called me over because she couldn’t open it now. I walked over and gave the door a quick tug and the awful sound of metal filled my ears. I looked over in the direction of the hinges and saw that the door was slightly over the corner of the fender. There was chipped paint and I could see where some of the metal was bent. I could tell that the door was crooked too. On the drive home, I could hear the wind coming in through the door. It sounded like I was driving with the windows cracked.

After we returned home, I called the insurance company and they set me up with a local body shop to get an estimate. Today, I dropped by the shop to have them take a look at it. They are going to need to replace the entire fender which is going to run roughly $1400 and once they remove the door it is possible that the hinges will need to be replaced as well. Thank goodness for insurance! I will only need to pay my deductible.

The guy at the body shop was able to make a minor adjustment to try to prevent any water from coming into the truck. Although the great state of Oklahoma hasn’t seen a good rain in I don’t even know how long, I was sure the door was leaking.  Why?  Because being the genius I am I decided it would a good idea to go through the carwash to clean my dusty ass truck.
Each time the water jets came across the door, water trickled down the window. Sometimes my genius shines. I’m telling you!

Now I wait. Apparently from what the girl doing my paperwork told me, I’m not the only person that was lucky enough to get some vehicle damage from the crazy wind. It looks like it will be the beginning of May before they can get me in.

One good thing is we had an existing dent on the fender that I was planning on getting an estimate for anyway. Since the wind messed up the door on the same side, I was told that the fender needs to be replaced anyway.
So although it sucks that I can’t use the door right now, at least, I can kill two birds with one stone. Also, for the time being, I don’t have to listen to my children bicker over who is going to sit in the front seat. Thank goodness for small favors.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Fantastic Friday Five #8

Ok. I KNOW I missed last week’s Fantastic Friday Five and NO I don’t really have a good excuse other than oops, I forgot. I suppose to make it up to you guys I should give you double the Fantastic Friday Five…but, I’m not that generous. Oh, and I’m lazy…and sort of bitchy. Read between the lines of #1 and you’ll know why. So here’s this week’s and this week’s only Fantastic Friday Five for your reading pleasure.

1.) After a fun filled time with my husband for his leave, I am happy to announce I am NOT pregnant! This totally deserved a spot at #1 this week. My best friend is getting her tubes tied. Sounds like a GREAT idea to me!!!
2.) After over a year, my parents are finally making a trip to my house. I’m excited. My sister and her son are coming too. She is already making a list of things she wants me to cook for her. My mother wants to play Rockband. ;) Oh, it’s on!!
3.) It is almost official. Today, I sent in my final payment for our truck. Once I am holding that title in my hand, I am throwing a party. Of course, the shindig will involve me and a bottle (or two) of wine, but a party nonetheless.
4.) I want to move to a nudist colony. Seriously! I am so freaking sick of doing laundry. I swear sometimes I don’t even think the kids wear the clothes that I wash. What is REALLY infuriating is when I find folded…FOLDED clothes in the dirty clothes basket that now smell like stank ass!
5.) Apparently, I’m awesome. (Of course, if you are here reading this you should already know that.) What you may not know is it seems I am SO super “fantabulously” awesome that someone is out there impersonating me on Facebook. However, it seems they have a few things wrong. For instance, it says I’m a cashier at Burger King. I’m also a stripper who’s in college. Oh, and I’m from Poland. I’ve also noticed that I have poor grammar that reads similar to a letter from a foreign scam artist wanting to “give” you money. See here and here.  I’ve learned so much about myself. (Update: The picture has been changed…probably because I reported them to the Facebook powers that be.)

Ok.  I've changed my mind.  I will give you a small bonus since I left you hanging last week.

BONUS:  If anyone knows where I can get one of these you can contact me via my fake Facebook page above.
Enjoy your weekend!!!