Shit You Should Know

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Somewhere Over The Rainbow, It Burns When I Pee

A few of you out there recognize true awesomeness when you see it. Then there are the rest of you that seem to have a warehouse of blog awards that you pass around like STDs at a frat party. Ironically, I was given an STD recently and, no, it did not involve cheating on my husband. And before you say, “Gee, Asha, I didn’t know you could get STDs from your vibrator,” I must warn you all. You are NOT safe. This STD was contracted through the blogosphere! Jewel over at Really?! Wait! What? and I are apparently getting a little too close and now I have a damn STD with no cure. No, it isn’t herpes or even AIDS. Jewel gave me…the Sexy & Talented Diploma.

As with all blog awards, there are rules. However, this one had an interesting meme that makes me want to infect as many of you as possible, mainly because the bulk of you have the creative brain power to rock this shit.


1. Make up ONE totally ridiculous story about yourself that is a complete rip-off from a movie. It can be as long or short as you want; clean or crass as you want.

2. Pass it on to whomever you feel is deserving of this STD – or accept it and keep it for yourself; it’s your blog – it’s your choice.

3. If you choose to accept this STD, please link your acceptance post back to the person who gave you your STD. I was also supposed to link it to some other site but, well, you know me and rules. Check out Jewell’s acceptance speech…err, confession if you need more information. She obviously follows rules better than me.

Please turn off your cellphones.  Remove all crying children.  Be sure you have your overly priced popcorn and soda.
Now for your feature presentation:

Living in the suburbs of Oklahoma, I took many things for granted. Even though everything wasn’t always black and white, it was always a shade of gray at best. That is until that fateful day when a twister sucked me up and spit me out in a strange land of color. It’s possible I was raptured but it’s unlikely.

Seems I sat on one lady with interesting socks and killed her. The land of midgets didn’t mind. Apparently, she was a kind of a jerk anyway. They warned me of her sister who was an uber bitch. They feared she would probably try to kick my ass at some point to avenge her sister. I shrugged it off and asked the mayor what they did for fun around there and by fun I meant where could I get drunk.

After knocking back a few, this ugly chick showed up. There wasn’t beer goggles thick enough to make her look hot. She was running her mouth about…I don’t really know. I wasn’t listening. I was trying to get my hands on one of those large lollipops.

I decided the only way to get this woman to shut her yapping would be to get her a drink or two. I snagged a couple of beers and figured the two us could take a stroll down the yellow brick road and have us a nice little chitty chat.

Well, being the klutz that I am, I ended up tripping over my own two damn feet. Both beers flew out of my hand and spilled all over that lady. If I said she wasn’t happy, I’d be cheating you from the over dramatic wailing she was doing. She was hooting and hollering something fierce about how the world was so horrible and she was melting or something. She ended up a hot green gunky mess right there on the yellow brick road. Good thing those little midgets used Bounty, the quicker picker upper, because I only needed one sheet to soak that wicked bitch up.

These little guys knew how to party. Regardless of how much fun I was having, I couldn’t shake the feeling of wanting to go home. Luckily, this fabulous little neurotic who really liked pink showed up and reminded me I had awesome shoes that could pretty much get me anywhere as long as I didn’t kick her dog with them.
I also met a stickman with an interesting vocabulary that was running for president, a night owl who gave himself nuclear headaches over his interest in scatology, and an atypical primate who owned a seedy motel.

I’m not sure which of my new friends it was but one of them (probably the primate) suggested that I just keep drinking and that would get me home. I must have passed out at some point. I woke up the next morning in a random motel room with a nuclear sized headache surrounded by naked midgets and crudely drawn campaign posters. My shoes were missing and I’m going to assume that there is a neurotic strutting her stuff fabulously in Texas somewhere. Next time, I’ll avoid taking advice from a primate.

The End

In case, you haven’t guessed it. I’m sharing my STD with these guys (and gal):
Bryan of Notes From A Night Owl, Nuclear Headache, and My Brown Log
Scott of Atypical Read and Tales From A Motel
Chanel of Fabulously Neurotic
Doug of I Like Cheese and Made Up Words
You can also find short quips of wisdom from this bunch over at Fabulous Atypical Headaches of Third Shift Cheese.

Now that they have all been infected, I have faith that this motley crew will not hold back in the entertainment department.

Also, Bryan bestowed an additional award on me…one that involves NO RULES! In a way, I’m relieved. I don’t think my brain could handle another set today.
Thanks again to Jewel for lathering me up with your blog cooties and thanks Bryan for withholding your torture this time. You guys are great!

Lastly, if you guys love me...I mean, REALLY love me you'll go vote for my banana cake.  The poll is on the left hand side of the page.


  1. "Short quips of wisdom." "...will not hold back in the entertainment department."

    Are you sure you aren't setting the bar a little high?

  2. The Wizard of Oz, which was awesome the way they did it originally, rocks so much harder when you tell it. And I'm not saying that because a primate tricked you into getting so drunk you passed out so I stole your shoes to strut around the greater Austin area in them. Thanks for those shoes, by the way. They're great for kicking dog kickers.

    Thank you for the STD. ( know, you never really picture yourself ever saying/writing that and meaning it in a way that is absolutely nothing close to sarcasm.) I love it and I will be sharing it with pride on Monday, also with the award from Bryan. (You really never picture yourself saying THAT one day either...)

    By the way, did you ever get the lollipop or did the midgets not share?

  3. if I did not have enough going on. Thank you for the award. I am currently working on a Donate your money to me award, which has perks. 1. I get paid to do something. 2. You get to pay me to do something you enjoy for free. I voted for your banana deal as well. Good luck.



  4. @Doug You're probably right. I'll brace myself for disappointment.
    @Chanel You know, there was some big pissy arguement about me drinking their beers. That night is just fuzzy.

  5. @tosicktologin aka atypical primate Feel better and don't die. In other words, "come with me of you want to live."

  6. Oh, by the way, I voted for you.

  7. Rachel gave me an STD yesterday. Apparently the bug is going around. I may have to make a trip down to the free clinic.

  8. @Chanel Thanks for your help...even if you did steal my shoes.
    @Bryan Ouch! Double infection. I hope the clinic has strong enough drugs for that.

  9. Dang! Good thing I use a rubber mat under my mouse. Where's that dang hand sanitizer? This whole place is overflowing with cooties!

  10. BWHAHA! Your rubber will not protect you.

  11. LMAO!!! Looooooove it! I knew you would kick the shit out of this one! =)

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