Saturday, February 12, 2011
I have ZERO friends here. It’s my own fault since I automatically assume people will not like me once they get to know me. Let’s face it I’m a weirdo and even though I embrace it most other people do not. However, I wonder at times if I’m just an asshole. On top of making the assumption that most people will not accept me, I also tend to avoid the people who seem accepting of me because I conclude they are just bat shit crazy.
Today I took my daughter to a friend from school’s birthday party. I met a few other parents who were nice but… (You knew there would be a “but” right?) I don’t want to say they were Stepford but I got the whole sorority sister vibe from them which automatically made me feel like everything that came out of my mouth was being judged. What’s sad is I KNOW it is all in my head and I KNOW I miss out on making friends this way. Also, when I think about it, it sort of makes me come off as thinking everything is about me. (It is, right?) There's my Leo showing.
Mother fucker! I swear I must need therapy.
I find myself thinking of that Adam Sandler bit..."Oh, Mom!"
What makes things worse is since I’m a parent; I’m always worried that my own social awkwardness is going to affect my children in some way or another. I’m the mom that cusses like a sailor. I’m the mom that not only doesn’t go to church but is agnostic (but may as well be atheist…oooo, PROJECT). I’m the mom that isn’t skinny and doesn’t wear make-up every day. I’m the mom that is inappropriate and is constantly cracking jokes. I’m the mom with the pierced tongue. And these things, my internet buddies, are the things that I allow them to see.
I’ll admit. I’m envious of the people that seem to make friends easily. I feel I am incapable of juggling many friends. I’m not looking to fill an address book with acquaintances. I would just like to make one or two friends around here I can let loose with from time to time. I’m smart enough to know I am my own worst enemy here.