Shit You Should Know

Thursday, February 24, 2011

This Is Heavy, Doc!

Lately I suppose with all this talk of Time Travel Month over at Nuclear Headache (not to be confused with the cheesier version) so fresh in my brain, I’ve been thinking about all the things I would say to the teenage version of myself. Of course, all this weighing on it not causing the universe to implode or me disappearing from photographs a la Marty McFly style.

First and foremost, I would tell my past self that the one guy I decided to lose my virginity to was (and will always be) a complete tool and waste of oxygen. AVOID by all means! I’m sure many of you wish you hadn’t wasted your first time on such an ass. I’m not saying I should have waited until marriage necessarily (please don’t tell my future teenage daughter) but I definitely would have skipped over his dumb ass. As a rule of thumb, if his name forms an alliteration it’s probably because his mommy knew he was a joke even from the womb.
Another tidbit of information I would share with myself is that even though your family is obviously a bag of mixed nuts, things won’t always be so difficult and confusing. Mostly mom won’t always seem so psychotic. She just has no clue what she’s doing and she’s learning day by day. It’s a bitch (especially when you are the oldest) but it paves the way for her to learn from her mistakes. Whether she admits it to you or not, she doesn’t mean half the shit that comes out of her mouth. Try not to take her need to control everything at whatever cost personally. It will only cost you years of therapy…time you could be spending doing things you actually enjoy.

Also, your mom is going to tell you that those girls that were mean to you were just jealous of you. Oh my god! They SO were. Your C-cup (ok, and the fact that you were so much cooler than they were) made you comparable to the hooker in the movie “Love Potion #9” after she drank the concentrated potion. This is what I mean…

So don’t be sad. Just poke your chest out a little further and apologize to them for not being flat chested like them…as you steal their boyfriends. Just kidding….or am I?
After you get married, there will be this Puerto Rican woman that lives near you. She is going to tell you she is a witch and she knows you and your husband are having issues mostly because he is still extremely immature. She’s going to tell you to never give up on him even when things get really dark. You are going to think she is crazy (and you may be a little right) but being a little eccentric is what makes her so clairvoyant. She is also going to tell you there will be times you will have to be a bystander and not get involved in his growing up process to protect your soul and that of your child (who by the way you weren't even pregnant with just yet). Her words will always stay with you and the future you (aka me) is glad she didn’t throw the towel in as soon as things got messy.

Somewhat on the same topic, I would remind myself that other people’s setbacks do not mold you unless you let them. When you go through those dark times, keep your head up and push forward. No one is going to drag you out the hole where you risk ending up. Only you can prevent forest fires. No, wait. What I mean is, only your own strength can prevent depression and it IS inside of you even when you feel weak.
Another thing on a smaller note I would share is that when my family is evacuating from Hurricane Katrina (which by the way IS the infamous Big One the city of New Orleans has been fearing and the media has been wringing their hands impatiently waiting for), remind Mom to bring the photo albums and family videos or at the very least put them up high in a closet. So many memories will be lost if she doesn’t. Also, tell her to knock down the wall between the dining room and the living room just because it will save us all the headache of having to hear about it years later that she should have did it when they were remodeling after the storm.

One of the last things I would tell myself is simply; don’t forget how to be a kid. Your children will thank you for it.

Again, these things are all quips of knowledge I’d share with myself if there wasn’t a chance of causing horrible repercussions. I’m sure in the event that time travel is made available to the likes of everyday folks such as me; we can only hope scientists will know for sure the do’s and don’ts of traveling through time.

If travel was limited to observation, I would skip my past and observe more important times in history not involving myself like the building of the pyramids. I’d much prefer for the sake of observation, I could also remain unseen a la Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Then, I would DEFEINTELY go observe me some dinosaurs. I would also like to observe all of the questionable “god” appearances that different religions stake their claim to faith on.


  1. Yes, I'd like to see what that burning bush business was about. (There's some alliteration for you.)

    There are definitely things I'd like to tell my teenage self as well, but then I inevitably get to wondering how that would change the path my life has taken. No doubt, I could save myself a lot of trouble, but where would I be today? Some days I'm glad it all led me here. Some days I'd be more than happy to be living any other life than this. I guess it depends on how things are going. Either way, I'd definitely like to change something so that I would have a lot more money in the bank.

  2. That's not a bad list of things to tell your past self. As for me, I'd probably use fewer words and more karate chops to the throat. Past Doug was too cocky to listen to just plain words.

    That movie was always fun to watch. Just imagine what you could get away with for four hours.

  3. @ Bryan I want to be around for nearly the entire book of Ezekiel. Lots of crazy shit is claimed to have transpired in those pages.
    @ Doug There are a few instances a good hard shake would be a good idea for past me.

  4. wonderful post!
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  5. It's so sad that your mom lost photos and memories in Katrina.

    I haven't seen that movie. Sandra Bullock is in it, right? (Is this out of order? Well...too late to stop now.)

    My boobs are small but I'm not jealous. I gave up the discomfort of a bra nine months ago and I have never felt better. It's a fair trade, I think.

  6. Asha...nice post, dude! =) I'm sure that there is plenty of stuff that I could tell my much younger, significantly better in shape younger self, but then I probably wouldn't because, for the most part, I am completely happy in the skin that I have now. Minor neurosis not withstanding, I think I did pretty good. =)

    However, you go back on your journey to dish out this sort of advice to your younger self and hug the not so bat shit crazy Puerto Rican me a seat. (and I do mean a seat...I am soooo NOT riding on the roof!) I'm so in for that ride! =)

  7. @ Doug Yeah, you're right. A swift kick in the ass is probably in order too.
    @ Chanel Sandra Bullock and Tate Donovan are the leading roles in the movie.
    I WISH I could go braless! I'm lucky I don't have bruising to my face after I get off the tredmill. I have to buy sports bras constantly just to prevent it. Breast feeding made them amazing for a couple of years and now I'm seeing the cruel effects of gravity. Fuck you, nature!
    @Jewell Girl, you can have shot gun but you got to bring the snacks.


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