Bet You Weren't Expecting Me...

Miss me?  Damn right, you did!

In my hiatus, I have:

• ·         survived my husband’s deployment (I use the term “survived” EXTREMELY liberal, of course.)
• ·         gotten a full time job at a home improvement establishment (currently, I am slinging appliances.)
• ·         stepped down as leader of my daughter’s Girl Scout troop (my baby girl is growing up, *sniffle*.)
• ·         and also, managed to forgive a few people who didn’t deserve my forgiveness (however, I deserved the freedom from the hate stewing inside of me.)

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Now that I got you all caught up, we can proceed to my regularly scheduled shenanigans…

Oh, how I miss the days I was a lady of leisure.  Recently, I was sick with strep throat and remembered (between my fevered bouts of delirium) how much I missed being home.  Today was my first day back to work in nearly a week.  While I enjoy the people I work with and the work that I do, I sometimes want to tell the general public to suck an egg.

Anyone out there that has ever worked with the public, especially in retail, knows EXACTLY what I mean.  Some people can be so awful.  You are probably thinking I am referring to those folks that yell and scream.  While I consider those people to be rather difficult, the breed of customer I loathe the most would have to be the ones who have no regard for a retail worker as a human being…mainly the ones that talk over you.  I HATE that!

Last week, this middle age couple came in.  I hereby dub them Mr. & Mrs. Magoo.  I greeted them like I would any customer and asked if I could help them.  They said they had some questions about a particular dishwasher.  

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Mr. Magoo asked questions about every single possible detail of the appliance.  “Ummm, yeah…are the screws that bolt the handle galvanized stainless steel?  Who invented the first dishwasher?  What is your mother’s maiden name???”  Of course, I knew the answers (and even if I didn’t I can sure as hell make it sound like I do, *wink wink*).  So I proceed to answer and as I get a few words into my response to Mr. Magoo’s extensive shake-down, the ever so lovely Mrs.Magoo interrupts me to ask me her own questions WHICH SHE ALSO ANSWERS!!!  Oh, I’m sorry, Mrs. Magoo, would you like me to go away so you can sell your own appliance to yourself.  Shit people!  Why didn’t you just order it online??

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It’s no secret that I attract crazy people.  I don’t know if I make them feel at ease or maybe they are just attracted to their own kind.  I can deal with crazy.  I find it entertaining but, rude is beyond my scope of tolerance. 

Today, I had the pleasure of dealing with this woman who needed help with a washer.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone would ask you a question and then try to convince you that you are wrong.  Standing in front of two washers, she asks me which one has a larger capacity.  I show her which one is bigger (seriously, by .1 cubic foot) and she proceeds to disagree with me.  She says, “Look in here.  This one is bigger.”  I try to contain my annoyance and try to explain to her that it is not even a cubic foot difference.  She continues to insist that I look inside the tub.  At this point, I felt that I needed to humor her in order to move along in the sale so I agree that it looks larger by telling her that that the tub is wider but more shallow.  It seemed logical.

Dealing with her was the least of the problem.  Shortly after, her friend walked up. 

Guys, her friend knew everything about everything!  In hindsight, I should have asked for the secret to universe.  I’m serious!  Anything that the customer would ask me, the friend would chime in with her own two cents.  Once again, I hate to be interrupted but, more so, I hate to be interrupted with inaccurate information.  I just don’t have the patience to deal with the Kanyes of the world today or anyday for that matter.

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This rambling is done for now.  When you are out and about consuming and contributing to the economy, please remember that the guy mixing your paint, the girl behind the cash register, the lady taking your order, and the man working the customer service desk are fucking human beings.  Treat them as such.  If you can’t go into an establishment and show basic common courtesy, do us a favor and stay home and order your shit online.

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Summer Can't Come Quickly Enough

Twenty seven more days until school is out for summer. I’m completely mixed about it. On one hand, the thought of not having a break from the kids is a little terrifying especially since my husband is deployed. On the other, this school year has been such a merciless headache that summer may just be the relief the kids and I need.


In the beginning of this school year, I was really struggling to get my son on track. He was being completely lackadaisical when it came to his schoolwork which caused his teacher to request that he be tested for ADD and ADHD. It not only turned out to be a false alarm but the tests showed that my fifth grader was reading on an eighth grade level. These results didn’t shock me but it did make me proud that there was now proof that there was nothing wrong with him. On the inside I basically chanted “Ninny ninny boo boo!” and “I told you so. Now shut the fuck up and teach my kid!!!”

Although his grades were improving, his dislike for his teacher became more and more defined. Many days the boy would come home and as soon as he would walk through the door he would began ranting about how awful his teacher was. We would sit down and discuss it. I would try so hard to help him see her side even though I was grappling with some of her ways myself.

He’s expressed to me that he feels as if she is always picking on him and singling him out. I explained to him that he is partially to blame. He gave her such a hard time in the beginning of the year that she now has her eye on him all the time. So now if he farts crooked, she’s going to know about it. It’s not fair but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, little dude. I told him the best thing to do is to stay off of her radar and the way to do that is to not give her ammunition. Trying to convince him to work harder and keep his mouth shut and his nose clean is like trying to convert the Taliban to Christianity.

Little by little I am finding out that this teacher’s way of solving the problem is by separating him from the rest of the class. At first I thought this consisted of her having to sit him next to her desk or something like that. That doesn’t bother me but I’m discovering through more and more conversations with him that she is sitting him outside of the classroom; I’m talking in the hallway or in the empty classroom next door. My concern is how the hell are you teaching my child if he isn’t even in your class?? I don’t understand how this can be helping his grades.

Yesterday, I went to speak to the guidance counselor. I expressed my concerns about the way the boy has been feeling in regards to how he is being treated. I explained to her that I am noticing a shut down on the horizon and I didn’t want it to affect the improvement he has made so far. I asked if she would maybe talk to the teacher and explain to her the affect that her style of discipline is having on my child.

The only reason have not gone to the teacher myself is I don’t think I can remain calm. Let’s face it. If you haven’t noticed my “mother bear” is showing. My child feels picked on and I’m ready to defend him. I don’t think I can talk to her without being very confrontational. Another reason I felt the need to bring a third party into the situation is simply because if this teacher truly is “picking on” my kid, I don’t want matters to get worse for him.

I also asked the counselor to talk my son. It concerns me how angry this has made him. When we talk about his school situation, you can see the fury in his eyes as they well up with tears and he clenches his fists at his sides. I thought maybe if the counselor tried to help him understand the teacher’s stance a little better, it would help. She agreed to have a conversation with him.

Later that same day was the last straw. He was late coming home. When I questioned him as to why, he said that she made him sit in the empty classroom next door. Since he was being punished when the bell rang he didn’t get up. He figured she was going to come over, lecture him, and then dismiss him. Apparently, this wasn’t his first rodeo.

When she didn’t come to speak to him after a few minutes of waiting, he said he peeked around the corner. She was sitting at her desk on the computer. It seems that she actually forgot that he was there. This infuriated me to no end!!! I called the school. The counselor answered the phone. I let her know what had happened and she advised me that I should meet with the principal. Hopefully, I’ll get a meeting soon and I keep reminding myself that this is all almost over.

Anxiety Is In Full Swing or Excuse My Rambling But That's How I Roll

Lately, I’ve been a busy little bee. I’m trying to make everything around me perfect for the homecoming happening very soon. So many things are going on that lazy, procrastinating me feels detached from my body watching everything else transpire. I am having more trouble than normal sleeping and when I eventually do fall asleep I wake up at least three times during the night. My stomach is in knots. I am a big ball of anxiety waiting to explode!


The best part though, I’m not going to lie, is the shopping (…well besides the obvious that my husband is coming home, anyway). I rarely shop for myself so being able to pick things out and actually purchase them is a blast. I seriously bought like four pairs of shoes and loved every second of it. Yes, I bought clothes too but shoes are so much more fun. It was easy to narrow down the choices for clothes. It was an ordeal to shrink the shoe order. The good news (for the checkbook anyway) is that I went from hearting twenty pairs of shoes down to four…just four.

I had to talk myself out of the “Pretty Woman” thigh high pleather boots. It was hard but I will survive.



I was surprised at some of the footwear I saw. Some websites actually have an entire section on “fetish” footwear. I HAD to see what that was about. I just had too! Some of it was hot…some of it was, well, just plain disturbing. Like these…

They look like my version of high heels I used to draw when I was in elementary school. On a serious note unless you were into ballet how in the hell would you not break your ankle in those?? I thought I was a bad ass because I was shopping for 4 and 5 inch heels.

Another plus to homecoming is getting the house into tip top shape. I have hired Molly Maids to come out and dust my house. I hate to dust. HATE IT…want to stab it! They are also going to clean my windows inside and out. Yay!

I’ve made a few purchases to help the kids organize their rooms better and have even promised them a bonus allowance if they keep their rooms cleaned for the next two weeks. I need to do whatever I can to keep them occupied. I’ve made plans for them to participate in scouting events this weekend and next. I figure it will make the time go by quicker for us all.

By the way, my kids still have no clue that Dad is coming home. I am trying my damnedest to keep this a secret from them. I want them to be surprised. I have even mapped out a treasure hunt for them. The plan is to bring the kids to a friend of my son’s house who lives a few blocks away. I have already worked this out with the kid’s mom. Next, I’ll swing back to the house and hide the clues in their appropriate places. Then I’m off to the airport to pick up my husband. Afterwards, I’ll bring him back to the house where I’m sure I will give in to his sexual advances because, hey, it’s been since October and this is much better than the battery operated stuff I’ve been using. Next, I will put my clothes back on. What? I can’t pick up the kids naked, pervert! Then I will help my husband into the hammock, hand him a beer, and I’m off to scoop up the children.

Upon our return, I will hand the children an envelope with their first clue in it. That clue will lead them on an adventure around the house looking for the coveted surprise at the end. I really hope all of this stays a surprise. I think my kids will enjoy the hunt for treasure. Suggestions would be appreciated.

As for plans while my husband is here, we really haven’t made any. Nothing even goes as planned it seems. So, we are just going to do whatever we feel like from day to day. It has conveniently worked out that the second week he is here will be Spring Break for the kids so should we decide a road trip in order it is on like Donkey Kong.

Did I mention I am super excited????????  It's definetey time for him to come home when I've thought about opening this box...