Fantastic Friday Five #12

In celebration of a gloriously beautiful Friday, I decided it was time for another Fantastic Friday Five.  So here I am for some wonderful sharing...

1.)  I have learned even in the country, I am not safe from people knocking on my door soliciting their religion.  I've considered putting a sign in the yard that says "Not interested in converting."   I also thought of just blatantly posting a sign stating that an agnostic/atheist lives here but I figured if some local farmer's cow gets found slaughtered in the pasture they'll be knocking on our door first.  Stupid bible belt!

2.)  We have decided on a vacation destination for when my husband returns for this round of leave.  We narrowed it down to Yellowstone, Yosemite, and Grand Canyon and then we let the kids make the final choice.  We are going to visit the Grand Canyon.  I have already made all of the necessary reservations including a smooth water float trip down the Colorado River.
Since my husband and I are planning this all in different time zones, I have devised a power point complete with a time line to keep him up to date.  I'm sure many people think that is anal as all hell but I just like thinks to flow.  When they don't, I get anxious and then I feel like I'm all irritated and ruining everyone's fun.  So you see?  This is all for the best.  You don't want to see me on CNN as the lady who tossed her children AND husband over the side of the canyon, do you?  DO YOU???
My husband, being ex-military and still working with the government, loves that I plan everything out.  He's accustomed to frequent power points.  We always do this for big events and/or adventures...and by "we" I mean "me".  His contribution to this...he wants me to locate "Holiday Road" on i-tunes so we can listen to that along the trip because every family vacation should be jammed to in style just like the Griswold's.  Maybe I should also try to rent the Wagon Queen Family Truckster for that authentic Griswold feel.

I guess we can hope that my husband doesn't end up running around deliriously with pants on his head.

3.)  This school year I have been co-leading my daughter's Girl Scout troop.  I LOVE working with the girls more than I thought I would.  Dealing with the parents?  Not so much.  It seems like no matter how many different ways you put out the information (a paper copy in their hand, a text message, an email, posted to the troop's Facebook page) someone is going to say "Nobody told me about that...I didn't know."  I swear it is enough to beat my head against a wall.
We recently finished cookie sales.  THANK GOODNESS!  Our troop sold 6500 boxes.  My daughter's share of that was 765 boxes and, man, did she hustle. 

4.)  This season of The Walking Dead is over.  That makes me sad.  Season 3 needs to hurry up for two reasons A.) The hooded woman at the end of the season 2 finale is the most bad ass character thus far in the graphic novels.  B.)  The show's creators, clever little bastards that they are, also allowed us a glimpse of the prison in the horizon which can only mean that the introduction of a villain no one will ever forget shouldn't be too far behind.  I already have Volume 16 of the graphic novels preordered.  It is set to release mid June.  That should hold me for about an hour...

5.)  Lately, I've been wondering if I am going to have to use the safe room for it's intended purpose.  We've had some nasty weather the past few days.  Fingers crossed we don't blow away.

Bonus:  For those that have been reading for awhile you know my history with owls.  The mascot for the school my children started this school year is, in fact, an owl.  How ironic is that?
 Enjoy your weekend!  I know I will!

Fantastic Friday Five #11

It’s Friday! Friday! And just so we are clear, Saturday, Saturday is tomorrow and Sunday comes after. Days of the week provided to you by Rebecca Black. “We so excited!” Here’s another Fantastic Friday Five to celebrate this glorious day.

1.) It is official! Both kids are registered for their choice of summer camp. The girl will be attending Girl Scout camp for a week and the boy will be off to NASA’s Space Camp. He’s wanted to go ever since we visited back in October when we took the infamous bus excursion.

2.) Today I attended an assembly at the children’s school. The school earned the Great Expectations Model School Award. I found out that not only are they one of 70 schools in the nation that received this award but this is also the fifth year in a row that they have been presented with it. Oklahoma state representative, Ann Coody, attended to congratulate the students, teachers, and staff.

Hooray for educational funding!!

3.) I got a text this morning from my husband letting me know he is thinking about quitting his job and coming back home. Apparently, they think he’s Superman. I had to remind him that he is.

What seems to be happening is that in his awesomeness, he has showed his higher ups that he is capable of doing the job of three people. So, as most companies would have it they would love for you to do the work of three and be paid for one. He said at every other FOB there are three guys doing what he’s doing. I’m feeling mixed about the thought of him coming home so soon. On one hand I want him to be happy and I’d love for him to be home with us again. On the other hand though, the thought of him coming back to no job scares the hell out of me. I’ve been so focused on paying off debt that I haven’t set anything aside. We do have his 401K to fall back on but it will only last a few months at the most. Deeeeeep breaths…or Xanax…maybe both.

4.) I discovered this week that I SUCK at making meatloaf. Every single time I attempt it I fuck it up. Awhile back when I made it, the meat was still raw in the inside. Yuck! This time I added either too much liquid or not enough bread crumbs and it came out looking like something you’d dump out of a dog food can…just with chopped bell peppers in it.   I tried to fool my kids into thinking it was something good by pairing it with loaded baked potatoes and seasoned broccoli but there was no fooling them.

I suppose we are all entitled to a screw up from time to time. It’s just that cooking is a necessary hobby and I pride myself on getting it right. For things I don’t suck at making, look here.

5.) Knock, knock. Who’s there?

Why, it’s another Jehovah’s Witness at my door to give me this.

Apparently, these people have the answers to our most pressing question AND it’s free. Oh happy day! I wonder if it is BYOB or if there is an open bar. Can anyone explain to me what the picto-diagram of the statue on the reverse side even means?

Or do I need to attend the super FREE convention to find out the mystery??

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mamas out there reading.

To you menfolk, please don’t forget to wish the mamas in your life a super mother’s day as well. Remember it’s the thought that counts…that is, unless your wife is an evil bitch. In that case, you better either file for divorce or buy her something shiny. Depending on the extent of her evilness, a blood sacrifice may be in order as well. I hope you can find a virgin.

Fantastic Friday Five #10

Now I know some of you thought this post wasn't coming.  Shame on you for not having faith in me.  Your doubt makes me sad.

1.) It’s no secret I’m really into zombie/apocalypse stories. Recently, I started reading The Walking Dead graphic novels. Ummm, why am I just now doing this?? It has also been suggested to me that I read the book John Dies at the End by David Wong who is also a columnist for the infamous Cracked webiste. I’m on it!  I suggest you head over to The Encyclopedia of Counted Sheep (when you're done reading this lovely post of course) and read Bryan's short short zombie tale.  I'm not going to say he wrote it FOR me but I think he sort of wrote it BECAUSE of me.  Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

2.) Our gardens are flourishing. That is a big deal all on its own especially since it has been left in my care. Back in the fall, I had to plant some bulbs and such that came in the mail. The husband had ordered them in the spring of 2010 and now he was relying on me to get them into the ground since he was away. Well, I’m proud to announce that shit is actually growing. An iris bloomed last week and another one is getting ready to do the same.

Apparently that black thumb of mine is more of a shade of gray…or maybe I just need to wash my hands better.

3.) This post has been getting some anonymous comment love lately. It seems there is something I’m going to be sorry about. Excuse me, while I get back to sacrificing virgins and drinking the blood of babies…or something.

4.) The kids and I hit up the local Goodwill store yesterday. As I picked through an endless array of romance novels, I came across a holy grail of sorts. I snagged the Lord of the Rings trilogy in a beat up old paperback for only 75 cents!! I had Billy Mays’ voice in my head yelling, “That’s a quarter per book.” How could I pass up this deal? How could I say no to Billy? I HAD to act now!

5.) Last but certainly not least, I am happy to announce that my husband will be home for good sooner than orginally planned. He decided not to do a second year in Afghanistan. Hooray! Now, not only will may sleeping habits return to normal (hopefully) I’ll be getting laid on a fairly regular basis. Whoot, whoot! Time for me to break out into song…”I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it!”


What??  Don't judge me.  Don't you dare judge me.
 
Well, that's it AND you got it on Friday.  Aren't you lucky??  Have a great weekend.  I know I will.  Margaritas in my kitchen...here I come.

An Award, Eyeballs, and Triple F

First, it seems that in the circle of bloggers in which I’ve grown accustomed to associating myself are now trending our eyes. All thanks to Chanel, of course. So here is my contribution.  Conveniently, since I've got my eyes on all of you I have also received this award times two from both Chanel and Bryan. They recognize my awesome…or at least, they tolerate it.

As always these little suckers come with rules…rules that I intend to twist to conform to my ever changing mood.

Stinking Rules:

1. List three things you would change if you were Overlord.

2. List ten blogs worthy of world domination. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. How about three?

3. Contact them about their new position of power.

As your overlord, I would make the following changes:

1.) First and foremost, I would lock some scientists in an underground laboratory until they invented teleportation. Screw the cost of fuel! I teleport, bitches!

2.) I would also do away with telemarketers. I mean, seriously, with all the junk mail we get in our inboxes and mailboxes do we really need phone calls too? REALLY? I would also execute anyone who sold another person’s contact information.

3.) Lastly, I would lower the salaries of most celebrities, athletes, and politicians. Many of these fools have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it. I mean, how many freaking cars does one person really need? I would take their cut salaries and apply them to people who actually make a difference like teachers, librarians, scientists, charities, etc.

Now the poor bastards that get this powerful award are…drumroll please…


Jewell of Really! Wait. What?

Rancher Mom of Rancher Mom's Realm

Thundercat of Colorful Rants of a Fed Up Sista

Also since I had company all weekend, I’m REALLY behind on my Fantastic Friday Five. I figured why not just throw it in here with this post.

1.) I’ve been listening to a zombie book on tape while jogging on the treadmill. I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst time to encounter a zombie would be during sex, especially if the person you were screwing was the one turning. As George Carlin would say, “These are the thoughts what keep me from being a productive member of society.”

2.) Finally, it rained in the great state of Oklahoma and I’m happy to say the truck hasn’t leaked. Now I just need to make it to the 2nd when I’ll finally be able to get the ol’ girl fixed.

3.) The kids recently had a photo-shoot. My son wasn’t very interested but my daughter, well, that’s a whole other animal. She thought she was a superstar. Here are a few. Keep in mind some of these are were scanned from the composite sheet so they are a little gritty.

4.) I’m so glad it’s rained. Goodness knows we needed it. My lawn and garden thanks you, Mother Nature. I do have one more request. Can I get a good night time thunderstorm, preferably one with some kick ass lightening and some sweet grumbling?

5.) During my parents’ visit, we went to the mountains and we ended up in the Holy City, home of the longest running passion play. I just want to let everyone know I wasn’t struck by lightning or anything upon stepping foot in the chapel. More details about the visit soon.

‘Til next time, friends.

Fantastic Friday Five #8

Ok. I KNOW I missed last week’s Fantastic Friday Five and NO I don’t really have a good excuse other than oops, I forgot. I suppose to make it up to you guys I should give you double the Fantastic Friday Five…but, I’m not that generous. Oh, and I’m lazy…and sort of bitchy. Read between the lines of #1 and you’ll know why. So here’s this week’s and this week’s only Fantastic Friday Five for your reading pleasure.


1.) After a fun filled time with my husband for his leave, I am happy to announce I am NOT pregnant! This totally deserved a spot at #1 this week. My best friend is getting her tubes tied. Sounds like a GREAT idea to me!!!

2.) After over a year, my parents are finally making a trip to my house. I’m excited. My sister and her son are coming too. She is already making a list of things she wants me to cook for her. My mother wants to play Rockband. ;) Oh, it’s on!!

3.) It is almost official. Today, I sent in my final payment for our truck. Once I am holding that title in my hand, I am throwing a party. Of course, the shindig will involve me and a bottle (or two) of wine, but a party nonetheless.

4.) I want to move to a nudist colony. Seriously! I am so freaking sick of doing laundry. I swear sometimes I don’t even think the kids wear the clothes that I wash. What is REALLY infuriating is when I find folded…FOLDED clothes in the dirty clothes basket that now smell like stank ass!

5.) Apparently, I’m awesome. (Of course, if you are here reading this you should already know that.) What you may not know is it seems I am SO super “fantabulously” awesome that someone is out there impersonating me on Facebook. However, it seems they have a few things wrong. For instance, it says I’m a cashier at Burger King. I’m also a stripper who’s in college. Oh, and I’m from Poland. I’ve also noticed that I have poor grammar that reads similar to a letter from a foreign scam artist wanting to “give” you money. See here and here.  I’ve learned so much about myself. (Update: The picture has been changed…probably because I reported them to the Facebook powers that be.)

Ok.  I've changed my mind.  I will give you a small bonus since I left you hanging last week.

BONUS:  If anyone knows where I can get one of these you can contact me via my fake Facebook page above.

Enjoy your weekend!!!

Fantastic Friday Five #7

Wow! I know this is a very late Fantastic Friday Five post but this week has been pretty boring with the exception of two sick kids. Forgive the briefness.


1.) My daughter came home from school on Wednesday burning up with fever and complaining that her stomach hurt. She stayed home Thursday and felt better by lunchtime (just my luck). Today I get a phone call while I’m running errands that my son is not feeling well. I end up having to go pick him up from his field trip. You KNOW a kid is sick when they want you to pick them up from a field trip. He felt better within a couple of hours and has been driving me crazy ever since. All I can say is at least I didn’t have to clean up any barf. Knock on wood.

2.) More kid news…my daughter managed to reach her Girl Scout cookie goal. She sold a whopping 600 boxes of cookies. She’s getting a butt load of patches and she earned enough cookie dough (money that can be spent at the scout store) to buy herself some nice scouting things. I also don’t have to pay for her registration next year since she sold so many cookies. I am so proud of her. Now if only I can get my son to get his shit together so he can earn his Webelos patch for Cub Scouts.

3.) Some things in life are ass backwards. For instance, my husband had his leave but he could not turn in any of his expenses until after he made it back to Afghanistan even though he had to reserve plane tickets and such over a month in advance. However, the company credit card doesn’t wait to send its bill for over almost 3K which is required to be paid in full. I said screw it. I wasn’t about to dip into my personal funds to pay that. So I called the company and told them I would pay it when the employer reimbursed us which should be mid-month. Also, it burns me that we are middle men. The employer REQUIRES you get the company credit card. I don’t understand why they just don’t pay it instead of sending the money to us and then making us pay it.

4.) I’m taking the kids to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules. My son is a big fan of the books. In my opinion, the books are very cleverly written. The pictures give it a comic book feel which in turn makes my son think he isn’t really reading. Shhh! Don’t tell him the truth. My daughter likes to read Dork Diaries which is sort of like the girly version of the Wimpy Kid series. I’m just glad the kids are reading. I guess I can’t expect to get them to read Atlas Shrugged…yet.

5.) On a completely unrelated topic…my son received some prism glasses on the field trip today. He informed me a few moments ago while he was wearing them that he was going to the bathroom to see how his pee looks. Now I’m being told it looked like a rainbow. This has been an Asha Special Report. You’re welcome.