Fantastic Friday Five #10

Now I know some of you thought this post wasn't coming.  Shame on you for not having faith in me.  Your doubt makes me sad.

1.) It’s no secret I’m really into zombie/apocalypse stories. Recently, I started reading The Walking Dead graphic novels. Ummm, why am I just now doing this?? It has also been suggested to me that I read the book John Dies at the End by David Wong who is also a columnist for the infamous Cracked webiste. I’m on it!  I suggest you head over to The Encyclopedia of Counted Sheep (when you're done reading this lovely post of course) and read Bryan's short short zombie tale.  I'm not going to say he wrote it FOR me but I think he sort of wrote it BECAUSE of me.  Yeah, I'm kind of a big deal.

2.) Our gardens are flourishing. That is a big deal all on its own especially since it has been left in my care. Back in the fall, I had to plant some bulbs and such that came in the mail. The husband had ordered them in the spring of 2010 and now he was relying on me to get them into the ground since he was away. Well, I’m proud to announce that shit is actually growing. An iris bloomed last week and another one is getting ready to do the same.

Apparently that black thumb of mine is more of a shade of gray…or maybe I just need to wash my hands better.

3.) This post has been getting some anonymous comment love lately. It seems there is something I’m going to be sorry about. Excuse me, while I get back to sacrificing virgins and drinking the blood of babies…or something.

4.) The kids and I hit up the local Goodwill store yesterday. As I picked through an endless array of romance novels, I came across a holy grail of sorts. I snagged the Lord of the Rings trilogy in a beat up old paperback for only 75 cents!! I had Billy Mays’ voice in my head yelling, “That’s a quarter per book.” How could I pass up this deal? How could I say no to Billy? I HAD to act now!

5.) Last but certainly not least, I am happy to announce that my husband will be home for good sooner than orginally planned. He decided not to do a second year in Afghanistan. Hooray! Now, not only will may sleeping habits return to normal (hopefully) I’ll be getting laid on a fairly regular basis. Whoot, whoot! Time for me to break out into song…”I’m so excited. I just can’t hide it!”


What??  Don't judge me.  Don't you dare judge me.
 
Well, that's it AND you got it on Friday.  Aren't you lucky??  Have a great weekend.  I know I will.  Margaritas in my kitchen...here I come.

Butterflies in My Stomach

I have a feeling sleep will not be an option tonight. I am so anxious! The butterflies in my stomach have butterflies. Around 6 this evening I got a text from my husband letting me know that he was waiting to leave Dubai to head to London. His flight in Dubai was delayed but he said he should still make the connecting flight in London to Dallas. I REALLY hope so!! Once he gets to Dallas, he will have just one more connecting flight to get him home to me.


The scavenger hunt is still a go. I’m going to try to video tape it because family and friends want to see the kids’ faces when they see their dad. I will have to see if the camera holds a charge long enough for me to accomplish that. I can always use my phone as back up for pictures and video. I’m just not sure how well all that works…or HOW it works for that matter. I’m still learning.

Unfortunately, I need to go camera shopping. I brought the camera into the battery store to have the battery checked because it didn’t seem to be holding a charge. Of course, the battery needed to be replaced but also found out that the actual port where you plug in the charger is loose and that is also causing the camera not to charge properly. The new battery would run me $40 and the external charger (where you actually place the battery itself inside to charge) would also cost $40. I ended up passing on that because I can get a brand new camera for a couple hundred. It would be stupid to put out $80 for a camera that is over five years old.

Since I’m wired anyway, I am browsing my blog stats. Some of the things people search for on the internet can be disturbing. What’s more disturbing are the things that occasionally lead them here. This particular post has gotten my blog so many hits with people out there in cyberspace searching things like “big ass butt plug” and “red butt plug sex toy”. Someone out there has even searched for “words containing ‘-tastic’”. Apparently, people out there are also very interested in meth and that leads them here as well. I assume it was this post that lures them in.

Also, the universe hates a lot of people because many folks are searching for “the universe hates me” and since the universe hates me most of all, they find themselves here.  My contribution to Time Travel Month also came up in the search results for some.  I'm sure it's because I used the line "This is heavy, Doc." as my title.  “Streaming dad and daughter love” got someone here. I’m not sure WHY or what post reeled them in but I’m sure I don’t want to know what they were really looking for but I can assume they were disappointed.

The topic that seems to bring people here the most lately is this post. People want to know about Lancey Ray’s trial. I know I do. I have searched for information myself and have seen my blog show up in the search results. I’m ready for that man to be buried under the jail.

He’s a monster and his wife should be sentenced right along with him for not only not protecting her child but also participating in the beatings that eventually got so out of hand they took the life of a young boy who my son describes as funny and smart.

I guess I can also share this with anyone who finds themselves here because they are searching for information about Lancey Ray. In my latest search I did find that Lancey Ray is actually the adult son of a school superintendent in Social Circle, Georgia. You can read the article here. I will keep updating as I find more.

One last thing before I go...my daughter has sold 575 boxes of cookies. Just 25 more until she reaches her goal.

Now I am going to end it here. As I said before, don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from me for a while. My honey will be home and I plan on being VERY busy.

Fantastic Friday Five #5

TGIF!! I didn’t think I’d make it. Wednesday at bedtime I told my son not to worry because tomorrow was Friday. He asked if I was drunk. Then he told me that the following day was in fact Thursday just like every other week for as long as he can remember.

Ah, sarcasm! I was tempted to make up an elaborate story about how “back when I was a kid” there were no Thursdays and Fridays always followed Wednesdays. I suppose I could have come up with something blaming the evil Thursday on the communists or religious fanatics or even super liberals for that matter. I guess I could have just blamed science. I mean after all if they can just come to the conclusion that Pluto is no longer a planet, I’m sure they can also come up with a reason to add another day to the week, right?

Anyway…drum roll, please.

FANTASTIC! FRIDAY! FIVE! live from my house straight to your computer screen for your reading/viewing pleasure. I do it because I care….I care a lot…like a care bear only not as fuzzy because I recently shaved. I suppose my official care bear name would be something like Sleep Deprived Bear or Sips A Lot Bear or maybe even Still In Pajamas Bear. Any of those would work.

Now for this week’s list:

1.) I am another week closer to seeing my husband and there is a song stuck on me head. I’m not sure what the name of it us but is goes something like “bow chicka wawa”.

2.) I went to a meeting yesterday at the kids’ school about my son. Hopefully, this will be the last. The results of all the tests they have been doing came out. The boy is NOT ADD or ADHD. So now they can shut their faces and realize he is just your typical bored 10 year old boy. They need to stop trying to turn our kids into robotic zombies and embrace their creativity and imagination. Also, he scored average in basically everything except Reading and Language. According to the tests, he is reading on an eighth grade level and has a seventh graders vocabulary. That is he knows how to read and use in a sentence all of the known curse words. Mama is proud.

3.) So much for the nice spring-like weather. It’s back in the thirties. I told you guys before we needed to get a handle on Al Gore and all his global warming voodoo. Ok. Who’s sneaking food down to the basement? Confess!

4.) My little girl scout has sold 250 boxes so far. If the government relied on the girl scouts to save the economy, we’d be in much better hands.

5.) Good news! I made a shiny new friend this past week that has yet to ask me what church I go to and if I’d like to go to her church. Here on the Bible Belt that is a BIG DEAL. Insert spastic white girl dancing here.

Before I forget, I want to thank Debbie at No Filter Mom for giving me the Versatile Blogger award. With that being said, you guys can all be prepared for yet another narcissistic post about yours truly and you can brace yourselves for me passing along the blog world’s version of a STD. You’re welcome.

Fantastic Friday Five #3

Happy freaking Friday, everyone!  It's time for another Fantastic Friday Five where I post five thing that I don't feel weigh enough substance to create an entire post on their own.  Basically, it's whatever I feel like...gosh!



1.)  I recently found out that my husband will be getting leave in March!  So the first two weeks of March, he will be here for all the sexual healing I've been needing since...October.  I know!  Right?  When I was younger I thought for sure once I was married there would NEVER be a lull in getting it on.  ::rolls eyes::  I was an idiot.

2.)  The kids actually went to school today!!!  I felt like the kid from Home Alone again...and I considered getting my Risky Business dance on.



3.)  Six pounds have been shed from somewhere on my body.  I have no freaking clue where.  I still feel like fatty fat fat but the scale says there is progress.  Maybe I broke it...

4.)  The forecast is showing signs of spring.  It's about damn time!  This week coming looks like I may get to enjoy some weather in the lower 70s.  I may take the kids to the mountains for a picnic and some hiking.

5.)  It's Girl Scout cookie time!!  Guess those 6 lbs. will be making an appearance again.  My daughter wants to sell 600 boxes. I don't think she really understands exactly how many that is.  I told her she better be ready to hussle!

Okay.  There you have it...my wasted post for the week. 

That's Freaking Ass-Tastic!

The best things in life are free, right? Sometimes…and sometimes those FREE things are down right terrifying.


Recently, a talented (and loveably awkward and inappropriate) lady named Tricia that I follow on Blogger had a giveaway on her blog. She asked her readers to leave a comment and later she would draw a name at random from the folks that commented. I NEVER win anything so even though the sheer sight of the item she was raffling made me clinch my butt cheeks together; I proceeded to leave a comment joking that if I won she should mail the prize to my mom. (My poor mom…) I know you are probably wondering what sort of prize was being raffled. Well, friends, some things are better said in pictures…


Big Red

Did your ass muscles tighten? I bet you sobbed a little, huh?


I'm a loser, baby.

 Due to my typical misfortune, I was not the lucky winner of the gigantic butt plug. I was actually a tad disappointed. Trust me… it wasn’t because I wanted to USE it. The storyteller in me was dying to blog about the ridiculousness of it. So, yeah, I was a little sad.

the REAL gigantic butt plug...Tricia's biggest fan

A few days or so later, Tricia made a blog post about some of her more creepy readers. Apparently, when she checked her stats she found that someone out there in cyber space had located her blog by entering the words “gigantic butt plug” in their search engine which she found amusing and decided to share with the rest of the class. Of course, yours truly had to leave a comment claiming responsibility, joking that I was so very distraught that I wasn’t the lucky winner that I frantically searched the World Wide Web for a butt plug equally as scary as Big Red.

Officially, dear ol’ Tricia was so amused by my comment I became the runner-up to take the throne should the REAL winner fail to do his proper duties as Miss America, err...I mean, Captain Anal Fixation. As fate would have it, the winner came to his senses and gracefully declined the offer leaving me the conquering hero in the fight for the scary ass toy.

Fortunately for me I follow Tricia’s blog because the bitch never sent me fair warning, she just blogged about it. I suppose she was afraid I’d chicken out like her last winner; instead I just clinched tight and winced.

When my “gift” arrived, my children wrestled with the package arguing over who would open it. Since we were expecting some books from eBay to arrive, I didn’t think too much of it until my son says, “Mom? Who’s Tricia Lor-uh-something?” I nearly choked on the soda I was drinking and hurdled the sofa like a gazelle just in time to commandeer the USPS Flat Rate box out of my children’s clutches and tossed the box onto my bed to open later behind closed doors out of the view of the prying eyes of my offspring.

Later after the kids went off to the Land of Nod, I opened the package. Once again, the sight of the thing made my ass muscles seize up. Then there was the note… Tricia being the silly chick that she is wrote, “I decided it needs to go to a loving home where it will be properly worshipped as it ought to be. I can tell that you will treat it with the proper respect and admiration.” This made me think of religious dogma.

I KNOW what you are thinking! How in the hell did the delivery of a butt plug bring my brain to the topic of religion?? Tricia’s mere mention of the word “worship” sent my brain into a tailspin. Instead of being god-fearing I, on the other hand, am completely butt-plug fearing. There are people that create elaborate altars to show reverence to their gods in hopes to share eternity with them in the afterlife. I, alternatively, shall build a shrine in effort to keep the gigantic jelly toy far away from my derriere. I can’t wait to explain the mini edifice buried in my closet to my husband.

Like I said before I never win anything but I guess I need to rephrase that now. I guess I don’t win anything useful…at least to me. So in conclusion as my luck would have it, the first time EVER I win any sort of raffle it is literally something to shove up my ass. Have I mentioned before that the universe hates me? Thanks, Tricia. Sorry, Mom.

Sexual Healing

Mark my words! Super Deuce is going to be the death of me.


Today shortly after my children came home from school, my doorbell rang. The teenager from across the street was at my doorstep looking a bit frazzled. She said, “Is your dog okay?”

This confused me because I had no idea why he wouldn’t be. “I’m pretty sure. Why?”

“Your dog got out and attacked my dog.”

My heart sank.

She has a little yippee dog and, as you see, I have a 65 lb. sumo beast. I really thought she was going to tell me that he mauled her dog. Without hesitation I told her if she ends up taking Fuzzball (or whatever the dog’s name is) to the vet, I would take care of it.

After she left I thought it would be a good idea to bring the rabies certificate over so that the family would know that my dog wasn’t harboring cooties. This time I spoke to the girl and the grandmother. The grandmother said they checked the dog pretty thoroughly and didn’t find any cuts or anything and they said she wasn’t limping or acting like she was in any pain.

After talking to her I found out, her dog was a female. The girl said Deuce chased the dog down the street and pinned it down. Knowing this, I thought it was outrageous that her dog was even still alive. She said she yelled at him to go home and he did. She said he just trotted right back into the garage.

Then it dawned on me that the reason her dog did not become a Scooby snack was because my Deuce is a lover not a fighter. He was looking to score some poochie tail. His internal soundtrack was probably blaring Marvin Gay’s “Let’s Get It On” as he chased the bitch down the street. Deuce needs a prostitute quick!

Later, I discussed the importance of closing the garage door once again with my kids. My son said he pressed the button to shut the garage and my daughter backed up his story. They NEVER agree which made me think maybe, just maybe, he did actually think he closed the garage door. Maybe it started to shut and the dumb ass dog jetted out and was picked up by the sensors which would have made the door open back up. The world will never know. I’m just glad no one (animal or human) was hurt.

The dog is going to make me crazy! In the words of Annie (Annie, 1982), “Dumb dog, dumber than they come, dog. You’re the most presuming dog that a human could know.”



P.S. Just for shits and giggles…

I just told my son to go take a bath and my daughter informed him that he smelled like butt with a splash of whip cream. LMAO! WTF!