Fantastic Friday Five #7

After a short hiatus, I bring to you another Fantastic Friday Five. A post where I share a few topics that really don’t fit anywhere else and/or I just feel like getting out into the blogosphere. Enjoy!


1.) I’m having trouble sleeping. This is common after my husband leaves. During other deployments, I went through this same circumstance. The first night after he left this time, I actually slept on the sofa because lying in the bed made me cry. I’m normally not the emotional type but every so often I get bit by the crybaby bug. Jeez, I hope I’m not pregnant. I just want to sleep again.

2.) During my husband’s visit, my super smart son decided to see what would happen if he held a Kleenex over a lit candle…in my living room. I was laying on the sofa “burrito-ed” up in a fuzzy blanket on the loveseat, in the fetal position, burning up with fever. I deliriously fell off the sofa trying get to the burning tissue ON MY CARPET, which I JUST had professionally cleaned. The blanket was full of static and I couldn’t get it off of me. Luckily, my husband was home. He stomped it out. The look of terror in my son’s eyes as he stood there frozen was enough to restrain me from killing him.

When questioned as to what the fucking fuck was he thinking, he concocted an elaborate story about how he was on the computer, NOT PAYING ATTENTION. He said he reached over to grab a tissue and he doesn’t know why it caught fire because it was nowhere near the candle. Needless to say, he had to say good-bye to the computer. Now, there is a gray spot on my carpet about the size of a stick of butter and there is also a black, burn spot the size of a dime next to it. Can anyone tell me when I can expect my boy child to develop common sense??

3.) The lawn guys cut my internet wire. Of course, AT&T originally rigged it up in way where the wire sticks out the ground and runs through my kitchen window. I pay for this?!?! The reason AT&T had to do this was because for some reason all the phone cords leading to the house were cut. Weird… The AT&T technician that installed everything said the cable companies sometimes do that if the prior occupant had phone or internet service through them. Great! Now those ugly little phone jack boxes throughout the house are truly useless.

Currently, this post is coming to you via stolen internet. Yep. I’m a freaking criminal.

4.) In addition to #3, I loathe calling customer service for most companies. I can even get past the fact that many companies outsource to guys like Peggy. (Watch the video if you don’t know what I’m talking about.)



What annoys me the most is the lack of understanding of the situation at hand. If it isn’t on the cue cards in front of them, they have no clue how to help you. (Read this post by Tricia at Confessions of a Recovering Cynic for some giggles on this topic.) I also hate being transferred all over the place from one department to the next. I think a lot of times when the representative you are speaking to doesn’t know how to help you, they transfer you…anywhere. If I have a technical support problem, why are you transferring me to billing? I don’t work there but that doesn’t sound right to me. The icing on the cake, of course, is when they disconnect you and THEN you get to call back to start the process all over again. Oh, what fun!

5.) Thank you mailman for occasionally bringing me useful junk mail. Well, I guess it isn’t really junk mail if it is useful. I’ve yet to have to write my return address for months thanks to places like VFW. They send me assorted labels, cards, pens, pads of paper, etc. I love free stuff, except the free “keys” the local car dealerships send. I don't love those.  The only uses I can think up for those is taking them over to the local car dealerships and keying that snot out of every car on the lot.

I need one of these.

Don’t forget to check out my new food blog, Shut Up and Eat Your Food!

Oh and by the way, this is for Mr. Cheese.

That'll show you not to be so sassy.  ;)

‘Til next week…

Guess Who's Back?

I'M BAAAAACK!! Well, technically I didn't go anywhere but I know I was missed.


The surprise was successful. I managed to keep the secret of my husband’s return from the children. The airlines almost screwed everything up with their constant delays. He was supposed to arrive around 7pm but ended up not arriving until around 9pm.

Luckily, my friend agreed to keep the kids for me anyway even though it was a Sunday night. Being that it was dark outside, the scavenger hunt had to be slightly revamped so that I could film it.
My old camera was all jacked up. The battery was going bad and the charger jack was loose which also prevented the battery to get charged properly. So I managed to record the scavenger hunt but it is in choppy little video snippets. I don’t own a program to combine them all so you get what I give you.
Part I: The kids are crazy excited to receive their first clue.



Part II: They were so excited. They couldn’t even read the clues correctly. I’m surprised they knew what the hell they were even looking for in the first place.



Part III: The fighting begins in a playful sort of way. I enjoy watching the wheels in my children’s heads turn as they try to figure the clue out.


Part IV: Wicker to Wimpy…they’ve got this!


Part V: I sound like my mom. Now the real FUN begins, followed by my daughter’s meltdown. Oh boy! Also, Gabe let’s one rip in my bedroom. Again, in all the excitement they can’t even read.



Part VI: Finally, the kids made it outside to their surprise that was shivering out in the garage. My daughter wanted to know if this was all a dream. My son begins to put the pieces together.



I know this post is mostly videos but I’ll update again soon with more photos and details about the lovely visit I had while my husband was back for two weeks. Come on, October!!! Whoo!

Also, one more thing...

It has been suggested to me that since I like to post pictures of my meals on Facebook for all to drool over that I should share the recipes with the rest of the class.  So, taking head to that suggestion I have began this blog for your reading pleasure.  You may want to eat first before you look at it as it tends to make mouths water and stomachs growl.  Pictures of my food have also been known to make people gain weight from the mere sight of them.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

Anxiety Is In Full Swing or Excuse My Rambling But That's How I Roll

Lately, I’ve been a busy little bee. I’m trying to make everything around me perfect for the homecoming happening very soon. So many things are going on that lazy, procrastinating me feels detached from my body watching everything else transpire. I am having more trouble than normal sleeping and when I eventually do fall asleep I wake up at least three times during the night. My stomach is in knots. I am a big ball of anxiety waiting to explode!


The best part though, I’m not going to lie, is the shopping (…well besides the obvious that my husband is coming home, anyway). I rarely shop for myself so being able to pick things out and actually purchase them is a blast. I seriously bought like four pairs of shoes and loved every second of it. Yes, I bought clothes too but shoes are so much more fun. It was easy to narrow down the choices for clothes. It was an ordeal to shrink the shoe order. The good news (for the checkbook anyway) is that I went from hearting twenty pairs of shoes down to four…just four.

I had to talk myself out of the “Pretty Woman” thigh high pleather boots. It was hard but I will survive.



I was surprised at some of the footwear I saw. Some websites actually have an entire section on “fetish” footwear. I HAD to see what that was about. I just had too! Some of it was hot…some of it was, well, just plain disturbing. Like these…

They look like my version of high heels I used to draw when I was in elementary school. On a serious note unless you were into ballet how in the hell would you not break your ankle in those?? I thought I was a bad ass because I was shopping for 4 and 5 inch heels.

Another plus to homecoming is getting the house into tip top shape. I have hired Molly Maids to come out and dust my house. I hate to dust. HATE IT…want to stab it! They are also going to clean my windows inside and out. Yay!

I’ve made a few purchases to help the kids organize their rooms better and have even promised them a bonus allowance if they keep their rooms cleaned for the next two weeks. I need to do whatever I can to keep them occupied. I’ve made plans for them to participate in scouting events this weekend and next. I figure it will make the time go by quicker for us all.

By the way, my kids still have no clue that Dad is coming home. I am trying my damnedest to keep this a secret from them. I want them to be surprised. I have even mapped out a treasure hunt for them. The plan is to bring the kids to a friend of my son’s house who lives a few blocks away. I have already worked this out with the kid’s mom. Next, I’ll swing back to the house and hide the clues in their appropriate places. Then I’m off to the airport to pick up my husband. Afterwards, I’ll bring him back to the house where I’m sure I will give in to his sexual advances because, hey, it’s been since October and this is much better than the battery operated stuff I’ve been using. Next, I will put my clothes back on. What? I can’t pick up the kids naked, pervert! Then I will help my husband into the hammock, hand him a beer, and I’m off to scoop up the children.

Upon our return, I will hand the children an envelope with their first clue in it. That clue will lead them on an adventure around the house looking for the coveted surprise at the end. I really hope all of this stays a surprise. I think my kids will enjoy the hunt for treasure. Suggestions would be appreciated.

As for plans while my husband is here, we really haven’t made any. Nothing even goes as planned it seems. So, we are just going to do whatever we feel like from day to day. It has conveniently worked out that the second week he is here will be Spring Break for the kids so should we decide a road trip in order it is on like Donkey Kong.

Did I mention I am super excited????????  It's definetey time for him to come home when I've thought about opening this box...

Off To a Rocky Start

Normally, I try to be on the teacher’s “side” when it comes to my children only because I believe that for the best interest of any child, teachers and parents need to be a united front. Sometimes teacher do things so foolish that makes me wonder how I even begin to support it.


My son came home on Friday and informed me that I would be getting a call from his teacher. “God damn it!” I responded, “What did you do now, boy?” Of course, he said nothing. The word “dumb ass” must be written across my forehead in some sort of ink that only children under 12 can see. “Ok.” I say, “I suppose Mrs. T is just calling to chit chat, right? She wants to know how my day went. Is that it?” Then the tale begins…

My son says during class the teacher told him she was going to call me to tell me to bring him to the doctor because he needs to be put on medication to calm down. In my head, I heard screeching tires! What the fuck?!?! Not only did she say these words to my son BUT she had the audacity to say them in front of a class full of other students. I have never in all my life had anyone say that about my kid…either of them. In ten years, my son has seen six different pediatricians, not to mention ones he saw when his regular doctor was not in. None of them have ever even hinted that my child needed medication to “calm him down”. Not to mention when he was younger, we went a few times to see a therapist during one of my husband’s deployments. I’m sure the therapist would have picked up on a problem.

Don’t get me wrong. My child is perfectly capable of being annoying and obnoxious but you tell me what kid isn’t. He’s a ten year old boy for crying out loud. If his teacher wants a zombie, she’s going to have to come up with a plausible argument for me to even consider making him a doctor’s appointment.

On the other side of the spectrum, part of me wonders if Mrs. T even said what he claims. She never called me which could mean he’s full of shit. Of course, if my teacher had already called my mom on two separate occasions the last thing I would want to do is make up a lie that she was going to call once again.

The boy does lie and he is so bad at it. For instance, yesterday he took a ride with Buddy to the store. While in the car Buddy told him to call me ask if I needed anything from Wal-Mart. I told him no. However, when he hung up with me he told Buddy I wanted watermelon. I don’t even like watermelon. Buddy ended up calling me because my son couldn’t wipe the goofy ass look off of his face. See? The boy lies and he sucks at it.

In a way I’m glad that he told me about what his teacher said on a Friday evening. At least I had the weekend to cool off. I was ready to smack a bitch on Friday. Now I am more capable of calling school tomorrow morning to talk to Mrs. T in a cool and collected manner. I have to call her. I have to know if this happened or not. Either way someone is going to get chewed out no matter if it’s the teacher or my son.

I look at this way. If Mrs. T said that for whatever reason she should not be teaching. You just don’t say things like that to kids. There is protocol to follow when it comes to carrying out discipline and she should be following that. Basically telling my child that there is something wrong with him in front of his peers is NOT the correct way to handle it under any circumstances. I will report her to the principal and the school board if I find out that she did say those things to him.

If on the other hand my son is lying about this, he will be loosing his Xbox and computer privileges for an undetermined amount of time and he will be grounded for an entire week maybe two.

Today he’s sick. He’s been running fever on and off all day and he threw up this morning. I knew he was sick as soon as I laid eyes on him. How convenient for him if he’s sick tomorrow. Regardless, I’m calling school.

In lighter news…

You ever notice that kids can be easily occupied with boxes. It makes me wonder how the toy industry makes so much damn money. My daughter and her friend played for hours with two empty 12-pack beer boxes on their heads yesterday. Too bad I didn’t have wrapping paper tubes to with it! They could have jousted. My daughter stashed the boxes in her closet and today when her friend came back they played with them again.

Kids…you can’t live with and you can’t send them to outer space.  Oh, and you can't skip parent teacher conferences either.

Worms Are Our Friends

My daughter and her friend found a worm being attacked (aka eaten) by ants. They "saved" it and made a "habitat" for it. Apparently Polly Pocket is "so small you can take her anywhere" and it just so happens that her play sets are worm-size. Thank goodness because the Barbie Dream House would just have been too damn big.

As I discussed things like worm daycare and such with the girls, I asked if it was dead and they both said they saw it move. Although I never did, I suggested it was probably filled with ants. They thought I was joking but, trust me; I was as serious as cancer.

The worm was even important enough to get a name. They named it Katie even though I suggested Slimey as a tribute to Oscar the Grouch's pet worm on Sesame Street. Of course, they didn’t like it. I suppose if Hannah Montana had a worm it would not be called Slimey either. It’s named would probably be Miley or Lindsay or some other accolade to a waste of space celebretard. But don’t get me started on those people.

Anyway, I told them they could get jobs as oligochaetologists. I was met with blank stares. Kids are funny like that. Don’t they understand the business card possibilities?

They asked me what worms ate. I told them I suppose they eat leaves. So they decided Katie needed food. I don’t even want to know which of our plants they mutilated to feed it. They even served it on fine china (I mean, exceptional plastic by Mattel) Barbie plates. Katie has to be one of the most pampered worms on the face of this earth.  How many worms do you know that get wrapped in a blanket and placed on a chaise lounge?  None?  Yeah, me either until I met Princess Katie.  Seriously, I think MTV will be here later in the week to film an upcoming episode of MTV Cribs, followed by a filming of the E! True Hollywood Story called “Worms: Dug Up”. Don’t act like you aren’t setting your DVR to record it.

Later, my daughter even asked me if Katie could sleep in her room. I declined by explaining that worms prefer to live outside. I didn’t have to heart to tell her that I do not want any insect, invertebrate, or whatever hanging out in my house. She told me I was mean. Whatever. Sometimes I think if she thought I was the absolute coolest, it would be proof I was a sucky parent.

In the end the beloved Katie was released back into the wild. However, I suspect her release was really more of a planting as I believe since she was already dead or on the verge, she is now fertilizer on my lawn. Oh well. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust…if today doesn’t get you then tomorrow must, right? R.I.P. Katie the worm (even though Slimey would have been a much better name).

A Day at LETRA

Today we took the kids out to Lake Elmer Thomas Recreation Area (LETRA).  It was beautiful but freaking AFRICA hot.  I think at it's hottest, it was107 degrees.  My skin was melting off.
The only reason we went out there was because my husband's company decided to have a picnic.  It was nice to see Mt. Scott from LETRA instead of our usual view of LETRA from Mt. Scott.

View of Mt. Scott from Lake Elmer Thomas

The company rented the party cabin complete with a/c (thank goodness).  It was a welcoming experience after being out in the heat.

The party cabin

We had never been to the lake before so we did not know what to expect.  We should have brought our bathing suits.  There was a beach area were you could swim in the lake as well as a water slide.  Too bad my son had to head out to OKC for a boy scout camping trip later that afternoon. 

The beach

The water slide

We took the kids in the paddle boats which they enjoyed.  Of course, Nick and I did all the work.  On the way back, Nick informed me that we should have thought about the "going back" part before we went out as far as we did.

The family

All squints and smiles

We had to follow the rules...EVERYONE had to wear a life vest.

The husband

We should have pushed him in...lol.

Gabe wanted to put his feet in the water.  I told him there were schools of piranhas in the lake.  So he decided he was going to put his feet ON the water.  That didn't last too long.

IN the water

ON the water

The boy child was also fascinated by everything that floated past us.  He'd pick it up and display it for all to see.  Sometimes he would throw it at his sister, who would nearly fall into the lake.

One such specimen

 We knew it was time to head back to land when she started acting miserable.

Who knows what she was crying about?  Maybe it was sun stroke.

Thanks, John Cena, for this one.  Your "coolness" has managed to ruin nearly every one of his pictures.  "You can't see me."  STFU!

We also played a few holes of putt-putt but it was just too damn hot.  We played holes 1-4 and then skipped over to 16 and played through 18.  The kids didn't even complain about the short game.  Maybe we will go back and try again when it snows.

She cheated...often

He did too.

 After that strenuous game of putt-putt we needed to soak up some glorious a/c which we did in the party cabin which was very "rustic".  There were tables and chairs that had the appearance of being made by hand.  Animal heads and other taxidermed monstrosities decorated the walls (and I use the term "decorated" VERY loosely).  I could not bring myself to photograph them...although I regret not taking a picture of the buffalo complete with braided goatee.  :(

The girl child soaking in the a/c

Wrapping up the afternoon, we waited for the husband to finish his cigarette so that we could head to our final destination of dropping of the boy child. He was going camping on a baseball field in OKC with his boy scout pack. So we are down to just one child this weekend at least until tomorrow morning.

She went up and down the steps...informing us how BORED she was.

Me and my baby girl

My guys...chill-axing

Needless to say, we all survived the heat.  The weather here baffles me.  Even at six and seven o'clock in the evening it still manages to be 105 freaking degrees.  I am looking forward VERY MUCH to fall and winter.  The thought of being able to use my fireplace again is enough to make me do a little happy dance around my living room.  *sigh*