Boys, Apparently, Are Easier

To some of you it may seem that often my son is the punch line for all the funnies in my blogs. Have no fear my faithful minions, my daughter is full of entertainment too.


The truth is family is just plain humorous from grandparents to new babies. People in general do stupid freaking things! Yes, strangers (on a bus #1 and on bus #2) are fun to laugh at but when it comes to family you get the pleasure of reminiscing over turkey and stuffing about all the ridiculous and foolish things they’ve done. Inside jokes are great. If you are in my family, FORGET ABOUT IT! You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself.

So my daughter and I take a trip to Wal-Mart (aka the antichrist). On the way there she says, “Maaa-om?” in that drawn out whiney way she so loves. “Is it true that when boys are mean to you it’s because they like you?”

Without any hesitation I say, “Yes. That’s usually how little boys show their interest in you.”

She thinks about it for a few moments while staring out of the window and says, “The boys in my class all pick on me.”

Silence for a few moments…

“Maaa-om?” she says again.

“Yes?”

“What if girls are mean to you? Does that mean they like you?”

“Not really. It usually means they are jealous of you. Are you not nice to these girls?”

“No. They just act like butts so I stay away from them.” She said in a matter of fact tone. It made me proud that she wasn’t putting up with girls and their bitchiness. Maybe I did something right. “Mom, what do girls get jealous of anyway?”

“Well, many things. Maybe they like one of those boys that have their eye on you. Or maybe they think you are prettier than them.”

She seemed satisfied with this answer and after a short pause she says, “Yeah, well, they sure do have a lot of UGLY girls in my class.”

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It’s time to study for spelling words. I tell my daughter to give me her planner so I can call out her words.

“Spell PERSON.” I say.

Her eyes glance down into her lap as she spells “P-E-R-S-O-N”.

I thought maybe her eyes were darting because she was unsure of what she was spelling. “Spell TURTLE.”

“That’s easy.” She replies. Her eyes glance again to her lap. This time I hear crinkling paper. “T-U-R”, I get up and walk towards her. She quickly crumples up a piece of paper and hands it to me. “I wasn’t cheating.” she says. After unfolding the paper, I find exactly what I had suspected, each and every spelling word written out. BUT hey! She wasn’t cheating!!

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She is in her room getting dressed for school. She calls for me, “MAAAA-OM!”

I walk to her room. “What’s going on?” I was sure she was going to be tattling on her brother but no, nothing could have prepared me for the question my SEVEN year old was about to ask me.

She sighs. “Mom, when are you going to buy me a bra?” I was blindsided.

In my head a million things raced through it but the only response that would fall off my tongue was simply, “When you have boobs.” And I walked out of her room.

Would Jesus Like To Buy Some Popcorn?

Children are pretty interesting little creatures especially when they are your own. I’ve said before my son aspires to be a comedian and my daughter aspires to be a model as reflected by their day to day actions. Luckily, if those dreams happen to fall through they always have entrepreneurship to fall back on.

Currently, popcorn sales are underway for the Boy Scouts so my son is busting his ass trying to sell some overly-priced snack products. He called my husband’s grandfather and tried to convince him to purchase a $50 tin of chocolate covered crap. He did the same when he called my parents. He managed to get about $20 out of each of them.

My daughter felt the need to exercise her sales pitching skills as well so she got on the phone with my mom to tell her that I was selling stuff on eBay and she should definitely go there and bid on something…especially if it was something of hers. The agreement is whichever of their belongings sell they get to have the money. She loved selling Girl Scout cookies in the past but the thought of being able to keep the money for herself is all the more thrilling to her.

After that lovely conversation, my son asked if we were buying any popcorn. So I told the kids to pick something and braced myself for one or both of them to declare dibs on the $50 diabetic coma in a collector’s can. As I’ve said many times in other blog posts, every so often they do or say things that surprise you. This particular time was one of those times. My children agreed…let me back up here…they AGREED (!?!?!?) on the exorbitant cheese trio. They also asked if we could order a box of spicy microwave popcorn for their daddy’s first care package. How could I say no to their harmony and generosity? I mean, it seems so rare lately. Needless to say, it will cost a retarded $55 for approximately 40 ounces of popcorn.

Later, I took the boy to ask a few of our neighbors if they wanted to order anything to support the Boy Scouts. We ended up at Mrs. Sphere’s house. Mrs. Sphere is a very nice woman, extremely kind and intensely Christian. Anytime you go over there, you are always invited in and offered a glass of iced tea. Each time I go in I get stuck their at least an hour while she talks about her church and her favorite savior, Jesus, even though (or should I say more so since) I told her I was an agnostic on the cusp of atheism. I guess in a way I’m a sort of “project” for her. Boo! Thank goodness my boy had to go to his Boy Scout meeting. First rule of scouting, “Be prepared.” In this case, I knew I needed an exit strategy in place before we went there. Evacuation successful!

It really bugs me that nearly every person I come into contact with around here is nauseatingly nice but so blinded by their faith that they come across as illogical and unreasonable. I can’t deal with that. It burns me that people like Mrs. Sphere, while painfully sweet, feel the need to tell me about how great their god is every time I talk them. You are Christian. I get it, jeez! I’m not. We don’t need to discuss this topic every time we run into each other. Now shut the fuck up...please, ma'am. (You got to respect your elders.)

Here’s a thought. Does anyone else find it interesting that Christians, Mormons, and Jehovah’s Witnesses always seem to try to convert you? Ironically enough, they all think the other is wrong yet they believe in the same god. I’ve never been approached for conversion by a Muslim or a Jew. They must have a much more discriminating recruitment process. Another thought is Christians in particular talk about treating people the way you want to be treated. Well, if you don’t want me to try to alter your convictions than word from the wise, “Back off!!”

I try to teach my children tolerance for all people. Yep, tolerance is the key…that and a heaping helping of avoidance. In my opinion, religion itself is about as useless as expensive popcorn encased in a metal canister.  Maybe my son should hit Jesus up and see if he's in the market to purchase some popcorn.  What would Jesus do?  He would buy some popcorn.

Shut Your Face, Kid!

My son is the class clown, the future stand-up comedian.  In his fantasy world all the world is his stage.  He takes pride in entertaining the masses.  While I look forward to getting front row seats to his HBO special and listening to screaming fans chant his name, right now with him in the fifth grade I just can't seem to appreciate those dreaded phone calls from his teacher.

Today his teacher, Mrs. T...no relation to Mr. T even though she does "pity the fool" who misbehaves in her class...called me to inform me that she was having an issue with my son talking in class.  This came as no surprise to me.  Upon meeting her at open house the day before the first day of school aka the last day of summer, I warned her of my boy's vocal problem.  Apparently, she moved the boy three different times because no matter who she set him by little Mr. Personality found someone to entertain.  At one point, Mrs. T said she put him at a table of little girls thinking that would shut him up.  It, in fact, put his silly meter on full throttle.  Hmmm...fifth grade, huh?  Does this mean the hormones have lift off?

As a last ditch effort, Mrs. T put the boy into the least desirable location in the whole classroom...the desk directly next to the teacher, the lone desk...far, far away from the other student clusters.  I hope they don't work on any group projects because what kid wants to end up partnered with their teacher?  lol  Actually it would serve him right for acting up in class.

Mrs. T also notified me that during recess she lectured him about disrupting the class and what not.  She said hopefully his move to the bad kid chair will only be temporary.  Maybe next time she'll pop a dunce cap on him...that'll show him!  What am I saying??  No it won't!  He'll just make an act out of it.

After hanging up the phone, I instructed the boy to sit at the kitchen table and draft an apology letter.  This is the ingenious work he bestowed upon me:

"Dear Mrs. T,
I'm sorry for goofing off in class today.  It won't happen again.  I think I know a way we can change it.  Maybe every time I talk you should take away five minutes of my recess.  My talking affects the class because when I talk other people start talking and then we are not learning.
Sincerely,
My son"

I guess I have to be happy it didn't say something like "I'm sorry.  I couldn't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am."  My goodness, school just started and already I've had a phone conversation with the teacher.  Geez!  Somebody help me!