Fantastic Friday Five #11

It’s Friday! Friday! And just so we are clear, Saturday, Saturday is tomorrow and Sunday comes after. Days of the week provided to you by Rebecca Black. “We so excited!” Here’s another Fantastic Friday Five to celebrate this glorious day.

1.) It is official! Both kids are registered for their choice of summer camp. The girl will be attending Girl Scout camp for a week and the boy will be off to NASA’s Space Camp. He’s wanted to go ever since we visited back in October when we took the infamous bus excursion.

2.) Today I attended an assembly at the children’s school. The school earned the Great Expectations Model School Award. I found out that not only are they one of 70 schools in the nation that received this award but this is also the fifth year in a row that they have been presented with it. Oklahoma state representative, Ann Coody, attended to congratulate the students, teachers, and staff.

Hooray for educational funding!!

3.) I got a text this morning from my husband letting me know he is thinking about quitting his job and coming back home. Apparently, they think he’s Superman. I had to remind him that he is.

What seems to be happening is that in his awesomeness, he has showed his higher ups that he is capable of doing the job of three people. So, as most companies would have it they would love for you to do the work of three and be paid for one. He said at every other FOB there are three guys doing what he’s doing. I’m feeling mixed about the thought of him coming home so soon. On one hand I want him to be happy and I’d love for him to be home with us again. On the other hand though, the thought of him coming back to no job scares the hell out of me. I’ve been so focused on paying off debt that I haven’t set anything aside. We do have his 401K to fall back on but it will only last a few months at the most. Deeeeeep breaths…or Xanax…maybe both.

4.) I discovered this week that I SUCK at making meatloaf. Every single time I attempt it I fuck it up. Awhile back when I made it, the meat was still raw in the inside. Yuck! This time I added either too much liquid or not enough bread crumbs and it came out looking like something you’d dump out of a dog food can…just with chopped bell peppers in it.   I tried to fool my kids into thinking it was something good by pairing it with loaded baked potatoes and seasoned broccoli but there was no fooling them.

I suppose we are all entitled to a screw up from time to time. It’s just that cooking is a necessary hobby and I pride myself on getting it right. For things I don’t suck at making, look here.

5.) Knock, knock. Who’s there?

Why, it’s another Jehovah’s Witness at my door to give me this.

Apparently, these people have the answers to our most pressing question AND it’s free. Oh happy day! I wonder if it is BYOB or if there is an open bar. Can anyone explain to me what the picto-diagram of the statue on the reverse side even means?

Or do I need to attend the super FREE convention to find out the mystery??

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mamas out there reading.

To you menfolk, please don’t forget to wish the mamas in your life a super mother’s day as well. Remember it’s the thought that counts…that is, unless your wife is an evil bitch. In that case, you better either file for divorce or buy her something shiny. Depending on the extent of her evilness, a blood sacrifice may be in order as well. I hope you can find a virgin.

Summer Can't Come Quickly Enough

Twenty seven more days until school is out for summer. I’m completely mixed about it. On one hand, the thought of not having a break from the kids is a little terrifying especially since my husband is deployed. On the other, this school year has been such a merciless headache that summer may just be the relief the kids and I need.


In the beginning of this school year, I was really struggling to get my son on track. He was being completely lackadaisical when it came to his schoolwork which caused his teacher to request that he be tested for ADD and ADHD. It not only turned out to be a false alarm but the tests showed that my fifth grader was reading on an eighth grade level. These results didn’t shock me but it did make me proud that there was now proof that there was nothing wrong with him. On the inside I basically chanted “Ninny ninny boo boo!” and “I told you so. Now shut the fuck up and teach my kid!!!”

Although his grades were improving, his dislike for his teacher became more and more defined. Many days the boy would come home and as soon as he would walk through the door he would began ranting about how awful his teacher was. We would sit down and discuss it. I would try so hard to help him see her side even though I was grappling with some of her ways myself.

He’s expressed to me that he feels as if she is always picking on him and singling him out. I explained to him that he is partially to blame. He gave her such a hard time in the beginning of the year that she now has her eye on him all the time. So now if he farts crooked, she’s going to know about it. It’s not fair but that’s the way the cookie crumbles, little dude. I told him the best thing to do is to stay off of her radar and the way to do that is to not give her ammunition. Trying to convince him to work harder and keep his mouth shut and his nose clean is like trying to convert the Taliban to Christianity.

Little by little I am finding out that this teacher’s way of solving the problem is by separating him from the rest of the class. At first I thought this consisted of her having to sit him next to her desk or something like that. That doesn’t bother me but I’m discovering through more and more conversations with him that she is sitting him outside of the classroom; I’m talking in the hallway or in the empty classroom next door. My concern is how the hell are you teaching my child if he isn’t even in your class?? I don’t understand how this can be helping his grades.

Yesterday, I went to speak to the guidance counselor. I expressed my concerns about the way the boy has been feeling in regards to how he is being treated. I explained to her that I am noticing a shut down on the horizon and I didn’t want it to affect the improvement he has made so far. I asked if she would maybe talk to the teacher and explain to her the affect that her style of discipline is having on my child.

The only reason have not gone to the teacher myself is I don’t think I can remain calm. Let’s face it. If you haven’t noticed my “mother bear” is showing. My child feels picked on and I’m ready to defend him. I don’t think I can talk to her without being very confrontational. Another reason I felt the need to bring a third party into the situation is simply because if this teacher truly is “picking on” my kid, I don’t want matters to get worse for him.

I also asked the counselor to talk my son. It concerns me how angry this has made him. When we talk about his school situation, you can see the fury in his eyes as they well up with tears and he clenches his fists at his sides. I thought maybe if the counselor tried to help him understand the teacher’s stance a little better, it would help. She agreed to have a conversation with him.

Later that same day was the last straw. He was late coming home. When I questioned him as to why, he said that she made him sit in the empty classroom next door. Since he was being punished when the bell rang he didn’t get up. He figured she was going to come over, lecture him, and then dismiss him. Apparently, this wasn’t his first rodeo.

When she didn’t come to speak to him after a few minutes of waiting, he said he peeked around the corner. She was sitting at her desk on the computer. It seems that she actually forgot that he was there. This infuriated me to no end!!! I called the school. The counselor answered the phone. I let her know what had happened and she advised me that I should meet with the principal. Hopefully, I’ll get a meeting soon and I keep reminding myself that this is all almost over.

Fantastic Friday Five #7

Wow! I know this is a very late Fantastic Friday Five post but this week has been pretty boring with the exception of two sick kids. Forgive the briefness.


1.) My daughter came home from school on Wednesday burning up with fever and complaining that her stomach hurt. She stayed home Thursday and felt better by lunchtime (just my luck). Today I get a phone call while I’m running errands that my son is not feeling well. I end up having to go pick him up from his field trip. You KNOW a kid is sick when they want you to pick them up from a field trip. He felt better within a couple of hours and has been driving me crazy ever since. All I can say is at least I didn’t have to clean up any barf. Knock on wood.

2.) More kid news…my daughter managed to reach her Girl Scout cookie goal. She sold a whopping 600 boxes of cookies. She’s getting a butt load of patches and she earned enough cookie dough (money that can be spent at the scout store) to buy herself some nice scouting things. I also don’t have to pay for her registration next year since she sold so many cookies. I am so proud of her. Now if only I can get my son to get his shit together so he can earn his Webelos patch for Cub Scouts.

3.) Some things in life are ass backwards. For instance, my husband had his leave but he could not turn in any of his expenses until after he made it back to Afghanistan even though he had to reserve plane tickets and such over a month in advance. However, the company credit card doesn’t wait to send its bill for over almost 3K which is required to be paid in full. I said screw it. I wasn’t about to dip into my personal funds to pay that. So I called the company and told them I would pay it when the employer reimbursed us which should be mid-month. Also, it burns me that we are middle men. The employer REQUIRES you get the company credit card. I don’t understand why they just don’t pay it instead of sending the money to us and then making us pay it.

4.) I’m taking the kids to see Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Roderick Rules. My son is a big fan of the books. In my opinion, the books are very cleverly written. The pictures give it a comic book feel which in turn makes my son think he isn’t really reading. Shhh! Don’t tell him the truth. My daughter likes to read Dork Diaries which is sort of like the girly version of the Wimpy Kid series. I’m just glad the kids are reading. I guess I can’t expect to get them to read Atlas Shrugged…yet.

5.) On a completely unrelated topic…my son received some prism glasses on the field trip today. He informed me a few moments ago while he was wearing them that he was going to the bathroom to see how his pee looks. Now I’m being told it looked like a rainbow. This has been an Asha Special Report. You’re welcome.

Fantastic Friday Five #5

TGIF!! I didn’t think I’d make it. Wednesday at bedtime I told my son not to worry because tomorrow was Friday. He asked if I was drunk. Then he told me that the following day was in fact Thursday just like every other week for as long as he can remember.

Ah, sarcasm! I was tempted to make up an elaborate story about how “back when I was a kid” there were no Thursdays and Fridays always followed Wednesdays. I suppose I could have come up with something blaming the evil Thursday on the communists or religious fanatics or even super liberals for that matter. I guess I could have just blamed science. I mean after all if they can just come to the conclusion that Pluto is no longer a planet, I’m sure they can also come up with a reason to add another day to the week, right?

Anyway…drum roll, please.

FANTASTIC! FRIDAY! FIVE! live from my house straight to your computer screen for your reading/viewing pleasure. I do it because I care….I care a lot…like a care bear only not as fuzzy because I recently shaved. I suppose my official care bear name would be something like Sleep Deprived Bear or Sips A Lot Bear or maybe even Still In Pajamas Bear. Any of those would work.

Now for this week’s list:

1.) I am another week closer to seeing my husband and there is a song stuck on me head. I’m not sure what the name of it us but is goes something like “bow chicka wawa”.

2.) I went to a meeting yesterday at the kids’ school about my son. Hopefully, this will be the last. The results of all the tests they have been doing came out. The boy is NOT ADD or ADHD. So now they can shut their faces and realize he is just your typical bored 10 year old boy. They need to stop trying to turn our kids into robotic zombies and embrace their creativity and imagination. Also, he scored average in basically everything except Reading and Language. According to the tests, he is reading on an eighth grade level and has a seventh graders vocabulary. That is he knows how to read and use in a sentence all of the known curse words. Mama is proud.

3.) So much for the nice spring-like weather. It’s back in the thirties. I told you guys before we needed to get a handle on Al Gore and all his global warming voodoo. Ok. Who’s sneaking food down to the basement? Confess!

4.) My little girl scout has sold 250 boxes so far. If the government relied on the girl scouts to save the economy, we’d be in much better hands.

5.) Good news! I made a shiny new friend this past week that has yet to ask me what church I go to and if I’d like to go to her church. Here on the Bible Belt that is a BIG DEAL. Insert spastic white girl dancing here.

Before I forget, I want to thank Debbie at No Filter Mom for giving me the Versatile Blogger award. With that being said, you guys can all be prepared for yet another narcissistic post about yours truly and you can brace yourselves for me passing along the blog world’s version of a STD. You’re welcome.

The Very First Fantastic Friday Five

It’s time for an update for all of you out there that actually give a shit. I’ve decided Friday is always a good day for that aka a good day for some filler. So here it is my Fantastic Friday Five for your reading pleasure. Enjoy…or not.

1.) We are officially no longer indebted to the U.S. treasury. The husband does not have a default army re-enlistment bonus hovering in his credit report. Happy dance! Now I can start paying off the truck.

2.) The first born is improving in school. It’s about damn time too! He’s driving me crazy being punished. I don’t know who suffers more, me or him. Progress reports will be coming home next week. According to his teacher he has an A in English and Science and a C in Math, Reading, and Social Studies.

If he keeps this up, I’ll have to fork out the retarded amount of money as promised for Space Camp. He needs to finish the school year with an A in Science and at least a B in everything else.

3.) My fat ass is trying to get in shape. I’ve taken on Atkins again…only because it allows me to see results from the start. Results keep me focused and I normally lack focus. I also am in the routine of doing the Wii Fit each day and walking on the treadmill. I am kicking ass (basically my own) on the Wii Fit. I am the queen of the hula hoops.

My husband said, “Well, you did always know how to work your hips.” To which I responded, “When you got an ass this big, you kind of have no choice!”

4.) My husband gave me an early Valentine’s Day gift. It’s a pearl ring to go with my other pearl jewelry. It’s fantastic!

5.) Lastly, Doug over at I Like Cheese has decided that my blog does not suck and has given me an award to prove it. Be sure to pay him a visit and make sure you let him know that you don’t think I suck either.

Well, friends, that about wraps it up for this first installment of my Fantastic Friday Five. Feel free to do your own. I’m not stingy. You don’t even have to link back to me.

Stay tuned for zombie dreams, death, phone harassment, and adventures in scouting all coming soon.

Boys, Apparently, Are Easier

To some of you it may seem that often my son is the punch line for all the funnies in my blogs. Have no fear my faithful minions, my daughter is full of entertainment too.


The truth is family is just plain humorous from grandparents to new babies. People in general do stupid freaking things! Yes, strangers (on a bus #1 and on bus #2) are fun to laugh at but when it comes to family you get the pleasure of reminiscing over turkey and stuffing about all the ridiculous and foolish things they’ve done. Inside jokes are great. If you are in my family, FORGET ABOUT IT! You’ve got to be able to laugh at yourself.

So my daughter and I take a trip to Wal-Mart (aka the antichrist). On the way there she says, “Maaa-om?” in that drawn out whiney way she so loves. “Is it true that when boys are mean to you it’s because they like you?”

Without any hesitation I say, “Yes. That’s usually how little boys show their interest in you.”

She thinks about it for a few moments while staring out of the window and says, “The boys in my class all pick on me.”

Silence for a few moments…

“Maaa-om?” she says again.

“Yes?”

“What if girls are mean to you? Does that mean they like you?”

“Not really. It usually means they are jealous of you. Are you not nice to these girls?”

“No. They just act like butts so I stay away from them.” She said in a matter of fact tone. It made me proud that she wasn’t putting up with girls and their bitchiness. Maybe I did something right. “Mom, what do girls get jealous of anyway?”

“Well, many things. Maybe they like one of those boys that have their eye on you. Or maybe they think you are prettier than them.”

She seemed satisfied with this answer and after a short pause she says, “Yeah, well, they sure do have a lot of UGLY girls in my class.”

*********************************

It’s time to study for spelling words. I tell my daughter to give me her planner so I can call out her words.

“Spell PERSON.” I say.

Her eyes glance down into her lap as she spells “P-E-R-S-O-N”.

I thought maybe her eyes were darting because she was unsure of what she was spelling. “Spell TURTLE.”

“That’s easy.” She replies. Her eyes glance again to her lap. This time I hear crinkling paper. “T-U-R”, I get up and walk towards her. She quickly crumples up a piece of paper and hands it to me. “I wasn’t cheating.” she says. After unfolding the paper, I find exactly what I had suspected, each and every spelling word written out. BUT hey! She wasn’t cheating!!

**********************************

She is in her room getting dressed for school. She calls for me, “MAAAA-OM!”

I walk to her room. “What’s going on?” I was sure she was going to be tattling on her brother but no, nothing could have prepared me for the question my SEVEN year old was about to ask me.

She sighs. “Mom, when are you going to buy me a bra?” I was blindsided.

In my head a million things raced through it but the only response that would fall off my tongue was simply, “When you have boobs.” And I walked out of her room.

Progress Reports and Perplexing Punishments

Progress reports came home today. I wish I could be excited but instead I’m flustered. My son is in danger of failing reading while my daughter is in danger of failing spelling. Any one who knows my son knows he is a great reader…always has been. He’s also extremely articulate. I suppose that’s why it is so damn frustrating. As for my daughter, I think her problem can be remedied with more drilling as passing a spelling test is basically just a form of memorization.


Weeks ago I warned both of my children that should progress reports come home and either of them were in danger of failing there would be repercussions. Those consequences are as follows:

1.) Homework must be done immediately upon returning from school. This includes studying. (Neither this one or #2 are really new but they go hand in hand with the others.)

2.) Chores must be executed following homework.

3.) There will be no access to TV, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo DS, PSP, or the computer on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

4.) Lastly, only after homework and chores are completed and approved will playtime with friends be allowed.

My kids were already used to #1 and #2 and for the most part #4. The third rule was unfathomable to them! You seriously would have thought I threatened to amputate an arm without anesthesia the way they whined and carried on. It was sad. My daughter was cutting deals like crazy. She was ready to not play with anyone all week long just please, please let her watch her idiot box!

Now we wait until report cards and see if there is an improvement. Let’s hope so.

I'm About To Lose My Mind...Up In Here!

This school year is going to freaking kill me!


I spoke to my son’s teacher, Mrs. T, today.  I am very glad I had the weekend to simmer down. I was able to speak very calmly to her about the whole ADD issue from Friday.

After speaking to her, I feel she is genuinely concerned about my son. She said she doesn’t want to treat him like he’s lazy if he really does have something wrong with him.

Her side of the story (wait to you see how unlike the boy’s it is)…

She said around dismissal on Friday she noticed that he did not complete grading his paper that they went over in class. She pulled him to the side to ask why. She said he looked confused and she felt that he really had zoned out during the review time. She also said he does this a lot. He’ll go off to la-la land and stare off into the distance. She said she has also seen him doodling numerous times.

My take on this is simply he is bored. When I’m doing something I don’t want to do or something that is boring my mind drifts too. It’s all I can do not to impale myself on the nearest sharp object. I also think that another factor is he has a tendency to be lazy as all hell when he doesn’t want to do something.

I don’t see how a kid that can play video games for hours or take a 12 hour car ride or sit through a movie or even sit quietly and read a book can have ADD. I just can’t! Of course, I’m no expert either.

Mrs. T also told me that when she spoke to the boy she asked him if he was or ever was on medication. He told her yes but I don’t know if he really understood her. He’s never been on any type of medication that treated mental or behavioral issues. All he’s ever taken (other than over the counter stuff) is allergy meds. When I told her this she kind of hesitated. I think she had thought she had hit the nail on the head with her theory.

After I got off the phone with her, I decided there was only one way to solve this. I called the pediatrician to find out if patients are automatically tested for things like ADD or if it something that has to be requested. I figured if it’s automatic they could check the charts for me. Wouldn’t you know it? Nothing is that simple.

I was told that I needed to contact the school counselor to request a Vanderbilt Assessment. Apparently, this assessment has a part I fill out, a part the teacher fills out, and then we see the pediatrician so he can evaluate. I figure, we do this and one of us has to be right. If I’m right, he’s bored and sometimes lazy. If Mrs. T is right, he has a problem that is beyond his control without the proper treatment. Either way, something needs to change for him because the route he’s going is going to lead him straight back to the fifth grade.

For the record, I do NOT believe in pumping my children up with medication for the hell of it. I will try whatever other forms of therapy are available and use the zombie meds as the absolute LAST resort. I think if he can learn how to cope with it and we can understand it better we will know how to help him along, so he can help himself.

Can someone say stress????

Another fun moment today was after school. My daughter came through the door all by herself. I asked where her brother was. She informed me that she waited for him for “like a half an hour”. I made it clear that it was impossible since school only dismissed ten minutes ago. She has no concept of time (or money but that is a whole other story).

At this point, I knew my son would be panicking when he couldn’t find her. So, I grabbed my shoes and headed over to the school. I needed to find him so he knew she was safe. I tell you, they fight like cats and dogs but they look out for one another.

As I got about halfway to school I saw my son coming down the street with my daughter’s teacher, Mrs. Pony (that’s not really her name but it fits her). My son was smart enough to let Mrs. Pony know when he couldn’t find her.

My daughter said she figured since her brother was sick yesterday, she assumed he had gotten checked out when she didn’t see him right away at dismissal. I told her if ever I check either of them out, I will always have the office notify the other one. Also, I told her she is NEVER to walk home alone. I told her I would come up to school to get her. She’s seven and she’s cute and I can’t help but fear the perverts of this world. Better safe than sorry. Too bad I can’t find a fairy godmother to do the whole Sleeping Beauty spell on her. Damn fairytales!

Whew! I’m glad today is over. I need to catch up on some cleaning tomorrow. I’ve been listing so much crap on eBay I’ve neglected a few chores. I’ve got to get back on track.

Off To a Rocky Start

Normally, I try to be on the teacher’s “side” when it comes to my children only because I believe that for the best interest of any child, teachers and parents need to be a united front. Sometimes teacher do things so foolish that makes me wonder how I even begin to support it.


My son came home on Friday and informed me that I would be getting a call from his teacher. “God damn it!” I responded, “What did you do now, boy?” Of course, he said nothing. The word “dumb ass” must be written across my forehead in some sort of ink that only children under 12 can see. “Ok.” I say, “I suppose Mrs. T is just calling to chit chat, right? She wants to know how my day went. Is that it?” Then the tale begins…

My son says during class the teacher told him she was going to call me to tell me to bring him to the doctor because he needs to be put on medication to calm down. In my head, I heard screeching tires! What the fuck?!?! Not only did she say these words to my son BUT she had the audacity to say them in front of a class full of other students. I have never in all my life had anyone say that about my kid…either of them. In ten years, my son has seen six different pediatricians, not to mention ones he saw when his regular doctor was not in. None of them have ever even hinted that my child needed medication to “calm him down”. Not to mention when he was younger, we went a few times to see a therapist during one of my husband’s deployments. I’m sure the therapist would have picked up on a problem.

Don’t get me wrong. My child is perfectly capable of being annoying and obnoxious but you tell me what kid isn’t. He’s a ten year old boy for crying out loud. If his teacher wants a zombie, she’s going to have to come up with a plausible argument for me to even consider making him a doctor’s appointment.

On the other side of the spectrum, part of me wonders if Mrs. T even said what he claims. She never called me which could mean he’s full of shit. Of course, if my teacher had already called my mom on two separate occasions the last thing I would want to do is make up a lie that she was going to call once again.

The boy does lie and he is so bad at it. For instance, yesterday he took a ride with Buddy to the store. While in the car Buddy told him to call me ask if I needed anything from Wal-Mart. I told him no. However, when he hung up with me he told Buddy I wanted watermelon. I don’t even like watermelon. Buddy ended up calling me because my son couldn’t wipe the goofy ass look off of his face. See? The boy lies and he sucks at it.

In a way I’m glad that he told me about what his teacher said on a Friday evening. At least I had the weekend to cool off. I was ready to smack a bitch on Friday. Now I am more capable of calling school tomorrow morning to talk to Mrs. T in a cool and collected manner. I have to call her. I have to know if this happened or not. Either way someone is going to get chewed out no matter if it’s the teacher or my son.

I look at this way. If Mrs. T said that for whatever reason she should not be teaching. You just don’t say things like that to kids. There is protocol to follow when it comes to carrying out discipline and she should be following that. Basically telling my child that there is something wrong with him in front of his peers is NOT the correct way to handle it under any circumstances. I will report her to the principal and the school board if I find out that she did say those things to him.

If on the other hand my son is lying about this, he will be loosing his Xbox and computer privileges for an undetermined amount of time and he will be grounded for an entire week maybe two.

Today he’s sick. He’s been running fever on and off all day and he threw up this morning. I knew he was sick as soon as I laid eyes on him. How convenient for him if he’s sick tomorrow. Regardless, I’m calling school.

In lighter news…

You ever notice that kids can be easily occupied with boxes. It makes me wonder how the toy industry makes so much damn money. My daughter and her friend played for hours with two empty 12-pack beer boxes on their heads yesterday. Too bad I didn’t have wrapping paper tubes to with it! They could have jousted. My daughter stashed the boxes in her closet and today when her friend came back they played with them again.

Kids…you can’t live with and you can’t send them to outer space.  Oh, and you can't skip parent teacher conferences either.