No Sympathy For A Child Killer

Just a brief update here…


After months of nothing about the death of my ten year old son’s friend’s murder other than this, it has finally been made know that Lancey Ray, this man,

will finally stand trial facing first degree murder charges for the death of his stepson, Malik Ray, from December 23, 2011. It is believed that the ten year old child went into shock and then cardiac arrest after being beaten with a belt and a cutting board.  The brief article can be read here .

Words can never express how this event has infuriated me. The impact on my son can be found here. I do not choose to describe it again. My only wish is that the loss of Malik finds justice.

Anxiety Is In Full Swing or Excuse My Rambling But That's How I Roll

Lately, I’ve been a busy little bee. I’m trying to make everything around me perfect for the homecoming happening very soon. So many things are going on that lazy, procrastinating me feels detached from my body watching everything else transpire. I am having more trouble than normal sleeping and when I eventually do fall asleep I wake up at least three times during the night. My stomach is in knots. I am a big ball of anxiety waiting to explode!


The best part though, I’m not going to lie, is the shopping (…well besides the obvious that my husband is coming home, anyway). I rarely shop for myself so being able to pick things out and actually purchase them is a blast. I seriously bought like four pairs of shoes and loved every second of it. Yes, I bought clothes too but shoes are so much more fun. It was easy to narrow down the choices for clothes. It was an ordeal to shrink the shoe order. The good news (for the checkbook anyway) is that I went from hearting twenty pairs of shoes down to four…just four.

I had to talk myself out of the “Pretty Woman” thigh high pleather boots. It was hard but I will survive.



I was surprised at some of the footwear I saw. Some websites actually have an entire section on “fetish” footwear. I HAD to see what that was about. I just had too! Some of it was hot…some of it was, well, just plain disturbing. Like these…

They look like my version of high heels I used to draw when I was in elementary school. On a serious note unless you were into ballet how in the hell would you not break your ankle in those?? I thought I was a bad ass because I was shopping for 4 and 5 inch heels.

Another plus to homecoming is getting the house into tip top shape. I have hired Molly Maids to come out and dust my house. I hate to dust. HATE IT…want to stab it! They are also going to clean my windows inside and out. Yay!

I’ve made a few purchases to help the kids organize their rooms better and have even promised them a bonus allowance if they keep their rooms cleaned for the next two weeks. I need to do whatever I can to keep them occupied. I’ve made plans for them to participate in scouting events this weekend and next. I figure it will make the time go by quicker for us all.

By the way, my kids still have no clue that Dad is coming home. I am trying my damnedest to keep this a secret from them. I want them to be surprised. I have even mapped out a treasure hunt for them. The plan is to bring the kids to a friend of my son’s house who lives a few blocks away. I have already worked this out with the kid’s mom. Next, I’ll swing back to the house and hide the clues in their appropriate places. Then I’m off to the airport to pick up my husband. Afterwards, I’ll bring him back to the house where I’m sure I will give in to his sexual advances because, hey, it’s been since October and this is much better than the battery operated stuff I’ve been using. Next, I will put my clothes back on. What? I can’t pick up the kids naked, pervert! Then I will help my husband into the hammock, hand him a beer, and I’m off to scoop up the children.

Upon our return, I will hand the children an envelope with their first clue in it. That clue will lead them on an adventure around the house looking for the coveted surprise at the end. I really hope all of this stays a surprise. I think my kids will enjoy the hunt for treasure. Suggestions would be appreciated.

As for plans while my husband is here, we really haven’t made any. Nothing even goes as planned it seems. So, we are just going to do whatever we feel like from day to day. It has conveniently worked out that the second week he is here will be Spring Break for the kids so should we decide a road trip in order it is on like Donkey Kong.

Did I mention I am super excited????????  It's definetey time for him to come home when I've thought about opening this box...

This Is Heavy, Doc!

Lately I suppose with all this talk of Time Travel Month over at Nuclear Headache (not to be confused with the cheesier version) so fresh in my brain, I’ve been thinking about all the things I would say to the teenage version of myself. Of course, all this weighing on it not causing the universe to implode or me disappearing from photographs a la Marty McFly style.


First and foremost, I would tell my past self that the one guy I decided to lose my virginity to was (and will always be) a complete tool and waste of oxygen. AVOID by all means! I’m sure many of you wish you hadn’t wasted your first time on such an ass. I’m not saying I should have waited until marriage necessarily (please don’t tell my future teenage daughter) but I definitely would have skipped over his dumb ass. As a rule of thumb, if his name forms an alliteration it’s probably because his mommy knew he was a joke even from the womb.

Another tidbit of information I would share with myself is that even though your family is obviously a bag of mixed nuts, things won’t always be so difficult and confusing. Mostly mom won’t always seem so psychotic. She just has no clue what she’s doing and she’s learning day by day. It’s a bitch (especially when you are the oldest) but it paves the way for her to learn from her mistakes. Whether she admits it to you or not, she doesn’t mean half the shit that comes out of her mouth. Try not to take her need to control everything at whatever cost personally. It will only cost you years of therapy…time you could be spending doing things you actually enjoy.

Also, your mom is going to tell you that those girls that were mean to you were just jealous of you. Oh my god! They SO were. Your C-cup (ok, and the fact that you were so much cooler than they were) made you comparable to the hooker in the movie “Love Potion #9” after she drank the concentrated potion. This is what I mean…


So don’t be sad. Just poke your chest out a little further and apologize to them for not being flat chested like them…as you steal their boyfriends. Just kidding….or am I?

After you get married, there will be this Puerto Rican woman that lives near you. She is going to tell you she is a witch and she knows you and your husband are having issues mostly because he is still extremely immature. She’s going to tell you to never give up on him even when things get really dark. You are going to think she is crazy (and you may be a little right) but being a little eccentric is what makes her so clairvoyant. She is also going to tell you there will be times you will have to be a bystander and not get involved in his growing up process to protect your soul and that of your child (who by the way you weren't even pregnant with just yet). Her words will always stay with you and the future you (aka me) is glad she didn’t throw the towel in as soon as things got messy.

Somewhat on the same topic, I would remind myself that other people’s setbacks do not mold you unless you let them. When you go through those dark times, keep your head up and push forward. No one is going to drag you out the hole where you risk ending up. Only you can prevent forest fires. No, wait. What I mean is, only your own strength can prevent depression and it IS inside of you even when you feel weak.

Another thing on a smaller note I would share is that when my family is evacuating from Hurricane Katrina (which by the way IS the infamous Big One the city of New Orleans has been fearing and the media has been wringing their hands impatiently waiting for), remind Mom to bring the photo albums and family videos or at the very least put them up high in a closet. So many memories will be lost if she doesn’t. Also, tell her to knock down the wall between the dining room and the living room just because it will save us all the headache of having to hear about it years later that she should have did it when they were remodeling after the storm.

One of the last things I would tell myself is simply; don’t forget how to be a kid. Your children will thank you for it.


Again, these things are all quips of knowledge I’d share with myself if there wasn’t a chance of causing horrible repercussions. I’m sure in the event that time travel is made available to the likes of everyday folks such as me; we can only hope scientists will know for sure the do’s and don’ts of traveling through time.

If travel was limited to observation, I would skip my past and observe more important times in history not involving myself like the building of the pyramids. I’d much prefer for the sake of observation, I could also remain unseen a la Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. Then, I would DEFEINTELY go observe me some dinosaurs. I would also like to observe all of the questionable “god” appearances that different religions stake their claim to faith on.

Somebody Call An Ambulance!

My daughter damn near gave me a heart attack!

Her friend came knocking on the door looking for her.  I went into her room to tell her someone was here for her.  She wasn't there even though the Jonas Brothers were blaring from her television.  I told her friend to go ahead in the backyard because by the art of deduction I assume she was back there.

Shortly later, her friend came back and told me she wasn't there either.  It's very unlike my daughter to wonder off so my heart is racing.  I go across the street to see if she is playing at one girls house and the friend checks another house.  Both of us met back empty handed.  I decide to go back into our yard to see if maybe she was hiding from her friend.  She wasn't.

At this point I am thinking, I'm going to call my son to see if she went off with him and his friend.  In the back of my mind I am debating at what point does someone call the police which, of course, gives me butterflies.  You know that feeling you used to get when you were a little kid and you thought you were lost in the grocery store?  Yeah, well, it felt like that only like ten times worse.  I sure it's because it wasn't the thought of "Oh no, my parents abandoned me.".  It was more like, "Oh shit!  This is like the begining of an episode of Law & Order: SVU."  Let me tell you...NOT a good feeling.

So as I am searching for my cell phone, my daughter's friend happens to look in my bedroom and there's my daughter.  That little shit was sitting on my bed in the dark on the computer freaking playing Petville in Facebook!!  I wanted to strangle her and hug her all at the same time.

You know I've heard people say that there is nothing like getting the heart racing to remind you that you're alive.  Uhhhhh...yeaaaaah...I'm going to stick to roller coaster and horror movies.  I think I have had enough excitement for today.  I'm going to have a stiff drink now to recuperate.

Future Undetermined

For a little over a month, I had been keeping a journal.  I did it on a friend's suggestion that it would help me with the things I had been going through on an emotional level.  For nearly 30 days, I wrote my innermost thoughts.  Then I began to realize I don't want to dig that deep into myself.  With all the things that have been going on in my life in the past few years, diving that deep into my brain made me feel, well, depressed.  I would journal about certain topics and then feel shitty for the remainder of the day and sometimes into the next day.  I also felt that I kept continually rehashing the same things over and over and over again.  Anyone that knows me will tell you, me and emotions (especially sadness) are not very close.  Bring on the raging anger any day!  I don't do the tears...it feels like weakness and giving up to me.
So, now I decided what's best for me is to just scratch the surface.  I figure if I'm putting myself out there for all to see, I will express myself in a way that isn't so "poor me" which is more comfortable and true to life than what my journal was turning into.  I've decided that some things are better left inside your head...filed away deep in the back of your mind.  I know many arm chair psychiatrists and basement therapists will disagree but I'm going do what I feel is necessary and relevant to my life.
All those things said...on to the meat...
There is a very good chance my husband will be going away awhile for work.  I'm not looking forward to this at all but I look at it this way:

1. I have already dealt with two deployments.  The first one I did under very similar circumstances as right now and made it through.  The second was much easier.  I knew what to expect.  This time not only do I know what to expect, we are a little more financially prepared to handle whatever curve balls life throws our way.
2. Once he returns we will be much closer to being able to finally purchase a home.
3. We can get the debt monkeys off our backs.
4. We will have the opportunity to actually set aside a college fund for the kids.

I do not expect it to be a cake walk but I KNOW I can do this.  I know this because when backed into a corner the claws always come out!  When push comes to shove, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to move my family forward just like what my husband is doing.
He said in taking this job he will have a supervisor position on top of working directly under a three star general.  He said that if he can add that general as a reference on his resume in addition to all the experience he will gain going away, his career will be golden.  I hope he's right.
At this point, I'm ready to pray to any god, stick pins in a voodoo doll, light a candle or two, or sacrifice a goat just to ensure that this all works out to our benefit.  I'm just tired of struggling and having nothing to show for it.  I'm not some high maintenance person either.  When I say I want something to show for it, I mean I want a house.  And I'm not talking some five story mansion with an indoor pool and a mini movie theater.  I just want a quaint home on some land.  I'm not fond of neighbors...I'm not fond of people in general for that matter.  I want enough money to be able to pay my bills, put money on the side for my children to attend college, and have a little left over for minor upsets that arise from time to time and/or a little entertainment cash.  I don't need a yacht although a small boat would be nice.  I don't need a $50,000 vehicle...just a small vehicle that gets me from point A to point B when needed.  I want my kids birthdays and Christmas to roll around and not scrounge for pennies just to buy them a gift or two just so something is under our tree or next to their cake.
We will make it there someday and by my husband taking this job it feels within our grasp.  Hopefully in two years, I'll be able to blog about how everything worked out.  I must say though, many times I wonder what the hell I did in a past a life since nothing has seemed to go as we've planned.  I have my fingers crossed we have finally paid our debt to fate and now things will start to look up.  We shall see, won't we?