Fantastic Friday Five #8

Ok. I KNOW I missed last week’s Fantastic Friday Five and NO I don’t really have a good excuse other than oops, I forgot. I suppose to make it up to you guys I should give you double the Fantastic Friday Five…but, I’m not that generous. Oh, and I’m lazy…and sort of bitchy. Read between the lines of #1 and you’ll know why. So here’s this week’s and this week’s only Fantastic Friday Five for your reading pleasure.


1.) After a fun filled time with my husband for his leave, I am happy to announce I am NOT pregnant! This totally deserved a spot at #1 this week. My best friend is getting her tubes tied. Sounds like a GREAT idea to me!!!

2.) After over a year, my parents are finally making a trip to my house. I’m excited. My sister and her son are coming too. She is already making a list of things she wants me to cook for her. My mother wants to play Rockband. ;) Oh, it’s on!!

3.) It is almost official. Today, I sent in my final payment for our truck. Once I am holding that title in my hand, I am throwing a party. Of course, the shindig will involve me and a bottle (or two) of wine, but a party nonetheless.

4.) I want to move to a nudist colony. Seriously! I am so freaking sick of doing laundry. I swear sometimes I don’t even think the kids wear the clothes that I wash. What is REALLY infuriating is when I find folded…FOLDED clothes in the dirty clothes basket that now smell like stank ass!

5.) Apparently, I’m awesome. (Of course, if you are here reading this you should already know that.) What you may not know is it seems I am SO super “fantabulously” awesome that someone is out there impersonating me on Facebook. However, it seems they have a few things wrong. For instance, it says I’m a cashier at Burger King. I’m also a stripper who’s in college. Oh, and I’m from Poland. I’ve also noticed that I have poor grammar that reads similar to a letter from a foreign scam artist wanting to “give” you money. See here and here.  I’ve learned so much about myself. (Update: The picture has been changed…probably because I reported them to the Facebook powers that be.)

Ok.  I've changed my mind.  I will give you a small bonus since I left you hanging last week.

BONUS:  If anyone knows where I can get one of these you can contact me via my fake Facebook page above.

Enjoy your weekend!!!

Somebody Is About To Get Smited!

If this isn’t your first visit to my blog, you know I have no problem sharing information about myself. To be honest, I rather enjoy it. Maybe I’m a borderline narcissist or maybe I’m just true to my Leo nature. Either way this post is brought to you today because someone out there wants to feed my ego.

Thanks to Debbie at No Filter Mom for giving me another opportunity to gloat endlessly about how awesome I am be honored with the Versatile Blogger Award.

Now like most awards, this one comes with a set of rules that I am required by law to follow or else the blog gods will smite me. I’ve never been smited but it doesn’t sound pleasant. I imagine the blog gods to sit in front of a computer screen similar to Dr. Claw, the bad guy from the old Inspector Gadget cartoons.

Piss them off and they press their big red “smite” buttons like this one.

Here are the blog commandments of the Versatile Blogger award.



1.) Thank the person who gave you the award. (Done! See above.)

2.) Share 7 things about yourself. (Three cheers for narcissism!)

3.) Pass the award on to 10 unsuspecting victims other versatile bloggers and mock them let them know you did.

Here's some stuff about me.  I know you can't wait.  That's why you are here.
1.) My most favorite soda is Diet Dr. Pepper. It is by far the best tasting diet soda there is on the market in my opinion and my opinion is all that matters (to me anyway).

2.) I like the Counting Crows very much. I have all of their albums. Adam Duritz is an amazing poet.

Goofy looking? Yes but extremely talented. I have a thing for poetry. Just ask my husband. He got me hook, line, and sinker!

3.) I love that my children are in scouting. I had some of my best childhood memories while in girl Scouts and I enjoy sharing my stories with my kids.


little ol' me...got to love that sofa behind me

I hope that they will have fond memories as well. By the way, the official cookie count as of today is 459. She’s almost to her goal of 600 boxes. (Technically, this one is only sort of about me.)


4.) I have zero talent (or patience) when it comes to making things. I’m so envious of people who can do things like make jewelry or scrapbook or draw. My “creations” look like a kindergartener made it. Besides, people don’t appreciate painted noodles glued to paper like they used to. Martha Stewart I am not.

5.) My boy child is a lot like me. He’s creative, silly and sometimes caring to a fault. He likes to read and when he talks about something that excites him his eyes light up. He has so much enthusiasm you can’t help but get sucked into his story. (I guess this one is isn’t really about me either. But, you will take what I give you and you will like it!)

6.) I still play the Sims from time to time. How old am I??? I enjoy watching my husband play games like Elder Scrolls on the Xbox but I lack the hand coordination to operate the controller. The Wii is more my speed and even that is pushing it.

7.) I don’t like making lists that end in an odd number. It bugs me.

Finally, I am supposed to pass this along to 10 more people. Well, that’s not going to happen. I know…smite me, oh mighty smiter!

There have been many awards going around lately and I know many of the people I follow have already received this award. So for the sake of not duplicating, I will give it to 2 bloggers and I have decided to pull a Doug and get cheesy with it. So here is the award I’ll be giving out.

It’s the Quintessential Versatile Blogger Award. I would like to give this award to Alysha at Supermom and Rancher Mom at The Taylor Family Ranch. Enjoy, ladies.

On a closing note, the time for my husband’s leave is coming up fast. So if you don’t hear from me in a few weeks, I’ve haven’t really been smited. I’m probably just busy doing…things…yes, that's it…things.

The Very First Fantastic Friday Five

It’s time for an update for all of you out there that actually give a shit. I’ve decided Friday is always a good day for that aka a good day for some filler. So here it is my Fantastic Friday Five for your reading pleasure. Enjoy…or not.

1.) We are officially no longer indebted to the U.S. treasury. The husband does not have a default army re-enlistment bonus hovering in his credit report. Happy dance! Now I can start paying off the truck.

2.) The first born is improving in school. It’s about damn time too! He’s driving me crazy being punished. I don’t know who suffers more, me or him. Progress reports will be coming home next week. According to his teacher he has an A in English and Science and a C in Math, Reading, and Social Studies.

If he keeps this up, I’ll have to fork out the retarded amount of money as promised for Space Camp. He needs to finish the school year with an A in Science and at least a B in everything else.

3.) My fat ass is trying to get in shape. I’ve taken on Atkins again…only because it allows me to see results from the start. Results keep me focused and I normally lack focus. I also am in the routine of doing the Wii Fit each day and walking on the treadmill. I am kicking ass (basically my own) on the Wii Fit. I am the queen of the hula hoops.

My husband said, “Well, you did always know how to work your hips.” To which I responded, “When you got an ass this big, you kind of have no choice!”

4.) My husband gave me an early Valentine’s Day gift. It’s a pearl ring to go with my other pearl jewelry. It’s fantastic!

5.) Lastly, Doug over at I Like Cheese has decided that my blog does not suck and has given me an award to prove it. Be sure to pay him a visit and make sure you let him know that you don’t think I suck either.

Well, friends, that about wraps it up for this first installment of my Fantastic Friday Five. Feel free to do your own. I’m not stingy. You don’t even have to link back to me.

Stay tuned for zombie dreams, death, phone harassment, and adventures in scouting all coming soon.

Progress Reports and Perplexing Punishments

Progress reports came home today. I wish I could be excited but instead I’m flustered. My son is in danger of failing reading while my daughter is in danger of failing spelling. Any one who knows my son knows he is a great reader…always has been. He’s also extremely articulate. I suppose that’s why it is so damn frustrating. As for my daughter, I think her problem can be remedied with more drilling as passing a spelling test is basically just a form of memorization.


Weeks ago I warned both of my children that should progress reports come home and either of them were in danger of failing there would be repercussions. Those consequences are as follows:

1.) Homework must be done immediately upon returning from school. This includes studying. (Neither this one or #2 are really new but they go hand in hand with the others.)

2.) Chores must be executed following homework.

3.) There will be no access to TV, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo DS, PSP, or the computer on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

4.) Lastly, only after homework and chores are completed and approved will playtime with friends be allowed.

My kids were already used to #1 and #2 and for the most part #4. The third rule was unfathomable to them! You seriously would have thought I threatened to amputate an arm without anesthesia the way they whined and carried on. It was sad. My daughter was cutting deals like crazy. She was ready to not play with anyone all week long just please, please let her watch her idiot box!

Now we wait until report cards and see if there is an improvement. Let’s hope so.

Off To a Rocky Start

Normally, I try to be on the teacher’s “side” when it comes to my children only because I believe that for the best interest of any child, teachers and parents need to be a united front. Sometimes teacher do things so foolish that makes me wonder how I even begin to support it.


My son came home on Friday and informed me that I would be getting a call from his teacher. “God damn it!” I responded, “What did you do now, boy?” Of course, he said nothing. The word “dumb ass” must be written across my forehead in some sort of ink that only children under 12 can see. “Ok.” I say, “I suppose Mrs. T is just calling to chit chat, right? She wants to know how my day went. Is that it?” Then the tale begins…

My son says during class the teacher told him she was going to call me to tell me to bring him to the doctor because he needs to be put on medication to calm down. In my head, I heard screeching tires! What the fuck?!?! Not only did she say these words to my son BUT she had the audacity to say them in front of a class full of other students. I have never in all my life had anyone say that about my kid…either of them. In ten years, my son has seen six different pediatricians, not to mention ones he saw when his regular doctor was not in. None of them have ever even hinted that my child needed medication to “calm him down”. Not to mention when he was younger, we went a few times to see a therapist during one of my husband’s deployments. I’m sure the therapist would have picked up on a problem.

Don’t get me wrong. My child is perfectly capable of being annoying and obnoxious but you tell me what kid isn’t. He’s a ten year old boy for crying out loud. If his teacher wants a zombie, she’s going to have to come up with a plausible argument for me to even consider making him a doctor’s appointment.

On the other side of the spectrum, part of me wonders if Mrs. T even said what he claims. She never called me which could mean he’s full of shit. Of course, if my teacher had already called my mom on two separate occasions the last thing I would want to do is make up a lie that she was going to call once again.

The boy does lie and he is so bad at it. For instance, yesterday he took a ride with Buddy to the store. While in the car Buddy told him to call me ask if I needed anything from Wal-Mart. I told him no. However, when he hung up with me he told Buddy I wanted watermelon. I don’t even like watermelon. Buddy ended up calling me because my son couldn’t wipe the goofy ass look off of his face. See? The boy lies and he sucks at it.

In a way I’m glad that he told me about what his teacher said on a Friday evening. At least I had the weekend to cool off. I was ready to smack a bitch on Friday. Now I am more capable of calling school tomorrow morning to talk to Mrs. T in a cool and collected manner. I have to call her. I have to know if this happened or not. Either way someone is going to get chewed out no matter if it’s the teacher or my son.

I look at this way. If Mrs. T said that for whatever reason she should not be teaching. You just don’t say things like that to kids. There is protocol to follow when it comes to carrying out discipline and she should be following that. Basically telling my child that there is something wrong with him in front of his peers is NOT the correct way to handle it under any circumstances. I will report her to the principal and the school board if I find out that she did say those things to him.

If on the other hand my son is lying about this, he will be loosing his Xbox and computer privileges for an undetermined amount of time and he will be grounded for an entire week maybe two.

Today he’s sick. He’s been running fever on and off all day and he threw up this morning. I knew he was sick as soon as I laid eyes on him. How convenient for him if he’s sick tomorrow. Regardless, I’m calling school.

In lighter news…

You ever notice that kids can be easily occupied with boxes. It makes me wonder how the toy industry makes so much damn money. My daughter and her friend played for hours with two empty 12-pack beer boxes on their heads yesterday. Too bad I didn’t have wrapping paper tubes to with it! They could have jousted. My daughter stashed the boxes in her closet and today when her friend came back they played with them again.

Kids…you can’t live with and you can’t send them to outer space.  Oh, and you can't skip parent teacher conferences either.

Not Much To Report

Another day, another call from my son's teacher...

What the hell am I going to do with him?  Mrs. T said he has missed a few homework assignments.  Great...it's like fourth grade all over again!

To back track...at open house she said that they rarely give work designated for at home.  Instead, the students are required to finish any work they fail to complete in class at home.  Easy enough, right?  Apparently, this goes over my son's head.  For the past few weeks he's been coming home with next to nothing in his backpack, telling me he finished it in class.

So now, Mrs. T and I are requiring him to have his planner initialed by each of us everyday.  This is the sort of shit I was hoping he would be done with at this point.  He is so much like my husband used to be...does just enough to get by no matter what his potential is.  It's enough to make me want to shake the snot of him.  Is shaken baby syndrome still relevant for a 5th grader?  Would it be shaken pre-teen syndrome?  They tell you not to shake your babies but I've never heard anyone say don't shake your almost middle schooler.  I'd like to announce my advocacy to this subject matter.   Maybe it would rattle some sense into his skull...you know, activate his "school is more important than my xbox" receptor.

Kids!  Can't live with them...can't sell them on the black market.  You know, when I was young and stupid I wanted five kids.  Now I have two and I'm glad I'm one of those people that rarely finish what I start.  Hooray for procrastination (and birth control)!



In other news...

Lately, I've been watching that show, Hoarders, on A&E.  I purged the file cabinet of useless, outdated papers all while watching an episode.  Does that make me bulimic?

I've been making the kids go through their rooms and bring me things that they don't use or want.  Some things are being posted on eBay and some things are being posted on my local freecycle group.  What ever is left is going to Goodwill.

My summer time guilty pleasure, Big Brother, has ended.  It's a sick and ugly addiction, I know.  Many times I thought my family would stage an intervention but I guess they just don't love me enough.  It probably doesn't help that half of my family is addicted too.  We need family rehab.  After such a lousy season maybe CBS will not bring it back for a 13th season (yes, I fucking said 13...I'm as shocked as you are).  If that happens we can all quit cold turkey.

The best news of the day...my husband got his first paycheck from the new job.  I was able to catch up on all of the bills and still had money left over.  No worries!  I love it.

Any ho-ha...

As the title says, "not much to report"...hopefully, I'll have more to share soon.  Don't
miss me too much.

Ice Cream, Used Clothes, & Migraines...OH MY!

Today I took my daughter to an ice cream social to re-register her for another year of Girl Scouts.  Before leaving, we invited the guys to come with us to enjoy the creamy delights which they declined because Call of Duty is much more important.
Anyway, this year she is a Brownie and she is super stoked!  I mean, c'mon, FREE ice cream BEFORE dinner.  Who could resist that??? 

So, I asked her if she wanted a vest like her Daisy vest from last year or if she would prefer a sash.  She looked at me quizzically and asked what the heck was a sash.  First thing that comes to mind to describe one to a seven year old was to say it's like the piece of material that Ms. America wears.  Almost before I could finish, she was like, "Oh yeah, Mom, I want THAT!" 

There is a pint size diva hidden in my daughter and I don't know if I like it sometimes.

Afterwards, we made a stop at Goodwill.  I swear, you would have thought I took the child to Sax Fifth Avenue the way she browsed the clothes informing me how "fabulous" everything was. 

As I looked over the racks of used treasures, my daughter would pull shirts off the hangers and thrust them forward just to inform that "THIS shirt, mom, is sparkly and that is just awesome!"

She had a hard time deciding what to get.  She wanted EVERYTHING!  She wanted shoes.  She wanted skirts.  She wanted...she wanted...good thing we were in a thrift store.

After returning to our home, my daughter paraded in with her bag of goodies.  She then preceded to rub it in my son's face that SHE had ice cream and went shopiiiiiing which, of course, led to bickering between them and all I got was this lousy migraine.  So until bedtime, I had the pleasure of hearing how unfair life is from my son over and over again ad nauseam.  Lucky me!

The Beginning of a New Decade

This weekend flew by.  I am officially starting a new decade of my life.  Good-bye 20s.  It was fun.  Friday consisted of enjoying the kids going off to their first day of school followed by a night of Rockband and Tom Collins.

My son takes a more relaxed stance to rocking out.

For those about to rock, we salute you.

The infamous Raghead!

So NOT the next American Idol!

Gin is not my friend.

The guys also took some time to reminisce about the "old days" in Fort Hood by cracking out the photo albums.

WTF is that?!?!

Soooo many war stories...

Saturday was a day of recuperation.  We slept in and did basically nothing for most of the day.  It was great!

She slept until about 10:30 a.m. which is unheard of for a seven year old.

Sunday was another lazy day.  Our buddy volunteered to take the kids to McDonald's while my husband took me out for hibachi, sushi, and beer.  It was yummy-yummy, delicious!

If there is a camera, my daughter is THERE!

We are so hot...no, seriously!  It's like 102 degrees right now and it's quarter after 8 p.m.

After we came home from our hot date, the family sang "Happy Birthday" to me and we ate a delightful Snickers ice cream cake.  Droooool!  Well, here's to hoping this next decade of my life is full of surprises.

Surprise!