Bet You Weren't Expecting Me...

Miss me?  Damn right, you did!

In my hiatus, I have:

• ·         survived my husband’s deployment (I use the term “survived” EXTREMELY liberal, of course.)
• ·         gotten a full time job at a home improvement establishment (currently, I am slinging appliances.)
• ·         stepped down as leader of my daughter’s Girl Scout troop (my baby girl is growing up, *sniffle*.)
• ·         and also, managed to forgive a few people who didn’t deserve my forgiveness (however, I deserved the freedom from the hate stewing inside of me.)

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Now that I got you all caught up, we can proceed to my regularly scheduled shenanigans…

Oh, how I miss the days I was a lady of leisure.  Recently, I was sick with strep throat and remembered (between my fevered bouts of delirium) how much I missed being home.  Today was my first day back to work in nearly a week.  While I enjoy the people I work with and the work that I do, I sometimes want to tell the general public to suck an egg.

Anyone out there that has ever worked with the public, especially in retail, knows EXACTLY what I mean.  Some people can be so awful.  You are probably thinking I am referring to those folks that yell and scream.  While I consider those people to be rather difficult, the breed of customer I loathe the most would have to be the ones who have no regard for a retail worker as a human being…mainly the ones that talk over you.  I HATE that!

Last week, this middle age couple came in.  I hereby dub them Mr. & Mrs. Magoo.  I greeted them like I would any customer and asked if I could help them.  They said they had some questions about a particular dishwasher.  

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Mr. Magoo asked questions about every single possible detail of the appliance.  “Ummm, yeah…are the screws that bolt the handle galvanized stainless steel?  Who invented the first dishwasher?  What is your mother’s maiden name???”  Of course, I knew the answers (and even if I didn’t I can sure as hell make it sound like I do, *wink wink*).  So I proceed to answer and as I get a few words into my response to Mr. Magoo’s extensive shake-down, the ever so lovely Mrs.Magoo interrupts me to ask me her own questions WHICH SHE ALSO ANSWERS!!!  Oh, I’m sorry, Mrs. Magoo, would you like me to go away so you can sell your own appliance to yourself.  Shit people!  Why didn’t you just order it online??

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It’s no secret that I attract crazy people.  I don’t know if I make them feel at ease or maybe they are just attracted to their own kind.  I can deal with crazy.  I find it entertaining but, rude is beyond my scope of tolerance. 

Today, I had the pleasure of dealing with this woman who needed help with a washer.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why someone would ask you a question and then try to convince you that you are wrong.  Standing in front of two washers, she asks me which one has a larger capacity.  I show her which one is bigger (seriously, by .1 cubic foot) and she proceeds to disagree with me.  She says, “Look in here.  This one is bigger.”  I try to contain my annoyance and try to explain to her that it is not even a cubic foot difference.  She continues to insist that I look inside the tub.  At this point, I felt that I needed to humor her in order to move along in the sale so I agree that it looks larger by telling her that that the tub is wider but more shallow.  It seemed logical.

Dealing with her was the least of the problem.  Shortly after, her friend walked up. 

Guys, her friend knew everything about everything!  In hindsight, I should have asked for the secret to universe.  I’m serious!  Anything that the customer would ask me, the friend would chime in with her own two cents.  Once again, I hate to be interrupted but, more so, I hate to be interrupted with inaccurate information.  I just don’t have the patience to deal with the Kanyes of the world today or anyday for that matter.

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This rambling is done for now.  When you are out and about consuming and contributing to the economy, please remember that the guy mixing your paint, the girl behind the cash register, the lady taking your order, and the man working the customer service desk are fucking human beings.  Treat them as such.  If you can’t go into an establishment and show basic common courtesy, do us a favor and stay home and order your shit online.

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Anxiety Is In Full Swing or Excuse My Rambling But That's How I Roll

Lately, I’ve been a busy little bee. I’m trying to make everything around me perfect for the homecoming happening very soon. So many things are going on that lazy, procrastinating me feels detached from my body watching everything else transpire. I am having more trouble than normal sleeping and when I eventually do fall asleep I wake up at least three times during the night. My stomach is in knots. I am a big ball of anxiety waiting to explode!


The best part though, I’m not going to lie, is the shopping (…well besides the obvious that my husband is coming home, anyway). I rarely shop for myself so being able to pick things out and actually purchase them is a blast. I seriously bought like four pairs of shoes and loved every second of it. Yes, I bought clothes too but shoes are so much more fun. It was easy to narrow down the choices for clothes. It was an ordeal to shrink the shoe order. The good news (for the checkbook anyway) is that I went from hearting twenty pairs of shoes down to four…just four.

I had to talk myself out of the “Pretty Woman” thigh high pleather boots. It was hard but I will survive.



I was surprised at some of the footwear I saw. Some websites actually have an entire section on “fetish” footwear. I HAD to see what that was about. I just had too! Some of it was hot…some of it was, well, just plain disturbing. Like these…

They look like my version of high heels I used to draw when I was in elementary school. On a serious note unless you were into ballet how in the hell would you not break your ankle in those?? I thought I was a bad ass because I was shopping for 4 and 5 inch heels.

Another plus to homecoming is getting the house into tip top shape. I have hired Molly Maids to come out and dust my house. I hate to dust. HATE IT…want to stab it! They are also going to clean my windows inside and out. Yay!

I’ve made a few purchases to help the kids organize their rooms better and have even promised them a bonus allowance if they keep their rooms cleaned for the next two weeks. I need to do whatever I can to keep them occupied. I’ve made plans for them to participate in scouting events this weekend and next. I figure it will make the time go by quicker for us all.

By the way, my kids still have no clue that Dad is coming home. I am trying my damnedest to keep this a secret from them. I want them to be surprised. I have even mapped out a treasure hunt for them. The plan is to bring the kids to a friend of my son’s house who lives a few blocks away. I have already worked this out with the kid’s mom. Next, I’ll swing back to the house and hide the clues in their appropriate places. Then I’m off to the airport to pick up my husband. Afterwards, I’ll bring him back to the house where I’m sure I will give in to his sexual advances because, hey, it’s been since October and this is much better than the battery operated stuff I’ve been using. Next, I will put my clothes back on. What? I can’t pick up the kids naked, pervert! Then I will help my husband into the hammock, hand him a beer, and I’m off to scoop up the children.

Upon our return, I will hand the children an envelope with their first clue in it. That clue will lead them on an adventure around the house looking for the coveted surprise at the end. I really hope all of this stays a surprise. I think my kids will enjoy the hunt for treasure. Suggestions would be appreciated.

As for plans while my husband is here, we really haven’t made any. Nothing even goes as planned it seems. So, we are just going to do whatever we feel like from day to day. It has conveniently worked out that the second week he is here will be Spring Break for the kids so should we decide a road trip in order it is on like Donkey Kong.

Did I mention I am super excited????????  It's definetey time for him to come home when I've thought about opening this box...

And The Award Goes To...

Now is the time for more awards. I have a few to dish out today. I know you guys look forward to this. The first award is the Life is Good award that Kamilla over at Basket of Dreams has given me to me. Of course, I have to share it with some other folks but that’s ok. I’m not selfish.

In receiving this award I have to:

1.) Thank and put a link back to the person who so kindly gave this award.
2.) Share a few things about yourself.
3.) Pass the award onto some other bloggers you deem deserving.
4.) Inform these said bloggers that they have received the award.

I hate rules and out of respect for Kamilla I will follow them but to the recipients of this award I relinquish you from all of the above rules. If you want to pass it on, great! If you want to forget I ever gave it to you, that is fine too. Well, let’s get to it. Shall we?

1.) I love to throw maraschino cherries into my mixed drinks so that when I’ve had enough to drink I can munch liquor soaked cherries.

2.) I loathe laundry and it seems like a never ending process.

3.) I am very close to paying the truck off so suck it, Chrysler Financial!

4.) My favorite thing to do is read.

5.) Floral scented candles and lotions make my nose itch something fierce.

6.) I’m a total pussy at the dentist. I still require nitrous to keep myself from having a panic attack as sharp objects come towards my face.

7.) I love cheesy zombie movies…the cheesier the better.

8.) I am so over all this snow.

9.) I’ve been a nail biter for as long as I can remember.

10.) I enjoy cooking very much and I’m usually good at it except when almond milk is involved.

Now I bestow the Life is Good award on the following four people…

Tanya at A Taste of T


She's rocking her baby belly and is extremely clever. I think I’ll keep reading.

Canela at From My Home And Heart


I’ve known her since high school and she’s always been quick witted and fun to be around.



Debbie at No Filter Mom



She’s proof that 40 is the new 30 and she’s really good about keeping me up to date on various blog hops.

Nic at Life Reassembled


She’s coming down with the flu and could use some cheering up (and Nyquil).

 Now on to the awards I know you knuckleheads have been looking forward to all week. I’ve got three this time.

The first one goes to Mother Teresa (or MT as I tend to refer to her) at The Rain In Spain... Each Friday she photographs something in her home EXTREMELY close up and asks her readers to guess what it is. Each week I rack my brain to try to figure out what the hell it is. So to MT, I’d like to give the Photo Capture Award.

Next, I’d like to give an award to the one and only Atypical Scott at Atypical Read (not to be confused with Bryan because that would be silly). He keeps me thinking and has a tendency to make me feel slightly stupid. So let me put on my dunce cap so I can give Scotty boy his award.

Last but certainly not least is my new buddy, Jewell at Really?! Wait! What? She’s a fun one and finds some of the craziest headlines.

So there you have it, this week’s awards. Be sure to check out these folks because I like them and you may as well. Stayed tuned tomorrow for another Fantastic Friday Five.

Hasta La Vista, Buddy!

Are we all comfortable now? Good!


Lately, I’ve been holding my breath because someone important to me has been feeling less than comfortable. I’ve mentioned before that I am separated from the one I love and also that Buddy has been living with us. It was an arrangement my husband and I made with him prior to Husband’s trek across the planet.

My husband has made it clear that he is no longer comfortable with Buddy’s presence. What took him this long, I’m not sure. Husband also brought to my attention that the thought of me drinking with Buddy wasn’t something he felt keen about either. So, I haven’t had a drink in over a month.

Back story…

My husband got Buddy a job working for his company and offered for him to rent our front room. Shortly after, my husband got a better contract working out of Afghanistan leaving Buddy in the company of the kids and myself. Understand, coming from an uber jealous person, I would have NEVER allowed this to happen…EVER! My husband on the other hand has never had the need to be jealous. Lucky him, right?

I informed my dear that never again will I agree to allow anyone to move in with us. He feels that Buddy has outstayed his welcome. I reminded him of the original agreement…it would take roughly 6 to 7 months for Buddy to get his shit together. Later, he told Buddy he had until the end of January to move out. When Buddy asked me to ask Husband about storing his bike in our garage, I did and Husband lost his mind.

Thankfully, Buddy is officially moved out and my conversations with the husband no longer need to consist of me playing the mediator of this craziness. Oh, happy day! I’m getting sippy tonight and I probably should have written this before I started downing the Bacardi.

Ramblings Redux

Like I said in the last post, things have been absolutely nuts around here and Daylight Savings Time was no help either.  I must give you fair warning though.  This post is like a few posts wrapped into one.  try to keep up.

My laptop died. I got the evil blue error screen of death. Yes, it was archaic. Yes, it was running slower than an obese man on a treadmill. But I loved my little laptop. Even with the missing keys courtesy of my nephew and his little toddler fingers. Even with the finicky optical drive that just to run a disc I would find myself holding up my laptop and tilting it in all sorts of directions just to get it to read.

With the hubby gone, I was relying on it for communication purposes. I'm not ashamed to say I came close to a melt down thinking about not being able to talk to him. Ok, not being able to blog, upload pictures to Facebook, or play the freaking Sims upset me a little too. Shut up! I need an intervention.

Any who ha....

I took the laptop to a local computer repair where I left it for a few days. When I finally heard back I was told the hard drive was shot as was the optical drive which, of course, came as no surprise. For repairs it would cost about $200. Instead, I dropped off my external hard drive and asked them to do their best to transfer my files from the laptop to the external drive which would run my about $50.


Then I skipped to Office Depot and purchase a new laptop. Hooray! My husband suggested I give the old laptop a proper funeral a la Office Space style.

Since then I have downloaded Skype. Let me just say, Skype is the bee's knees! Previously we had been using Yahoo Messenger to communicate which resulted in lots of frozen faces in unflattering moments. Skype has minimal freezing which is great when the husband talks to the kids since they are usually hopped on sugary goodness...especially lately thanks to Halloween and the generosity (aka Satanic worship) of all the neighbors and such who will be burning in hell with us for particpating in the devil's holiday. You guys rock!

So this is my plug for Skype...I deserve commision. Dowload Skype and you will live a long and properous life full of decent video footage and smiles. La la la!

Next topic on the agenda...scouting updates...I can tell you're excited. You should be.

My babygirl had her Investiture Ceremony which was very informal aka unorganized. I guess I am accustomed to how the Girl Scout troop I was in as a child was run. My leader, Susan Reynolds, was a beast! That woman organized everything to the tee or so it seemed when I was a kid. Ceremonies and awards were handled with precision and formalities. It made us feel special...or at least that was how it made me feel. I suppose that's the Leo in me. I like to be made a big deal of.

Anyway, anyway...

This ceremony was so casual it almost made me feel like babygirl's troop leader didn't give a fuck. By the book, the ceremony consists of the girls reciting their promise and law. This is a ceremony for welcoming new Girl Scouts into the age appropriate group. At this time, each girl recieves the Girl Scout pin. Now I must tell you this ceremony has already been pushed back three weeks...it was supposed to take place near the beginning of October. However, the girls never received their pins. Why? Because the leader ordered them too late. Back to Susan Reynolds...she would have ordered those bitches MONTHS ago. Sigh...I guess I'm spoiled.

Ok...now let's go on over to left field...my brain seems to frequent there often.

Recently, Dr. Atkins and I have gotten reaquainted. I am what you would call a carb addict and I'm not found of excercise. When people start talking about how much fun they had on their morning run or their last visit to the gym, I seriously want to punch them in their ovaries. And, no, men are not safe. Use your imagination if you want to know where I would like to exert pain on them.

For the life of me, I cannot begin to understand those weirdos that say crap like, "Man, the elliptical kicked my ass today. I am hurting all over. I feel grrrrr-eat." Yes, those idiots make me think of Tony the Tiger trying to peddle me Frosted Flakes. I call them "idiots" but really they'll probably live longer then me since I believe bacon is a food group all on it's own. It's so crunchy and if you wrapped a sweaty jock strap in it, I'd try it at least once. It's like strips of heaven.

Speaking of heaven, I feel sorry for people of the Jewish and Islamic faith. Not eating bacon would make me sad.  Maybe just maybe...the "tree of knowledge" from the Bible really grew crispy, delicious bacon. Maybe God got pissed because, after all, now Adam and Eve KNEW bacon fucking rocked. Now those two mooches were going to eat it all and God was not going to share. I would have kicked them out too. Nobody better touch my bacon!!

In lieu of my latest dieting pursuit, I have also stopped gnawing on my fingernails. It's been a little over a month. Hooray for me!!

BEEP!

Did you hear that?

The other night, I was tearing the house apart because something was beeping. I would walk in one direction and hear it and SWEAR it was coming from the other direction. I walked into the kitchen and thought it was coming from the living room. I was putting my ear up to each and every electronic. I dumped out my purse. I looked like a freaking looney. I was even standing on chairs trying to see if the smoke alarms, the doorbell box, and even the freaking light fixtures were the culprits. At one point I was even listening into the air vent thinking maybe just maybe it was coming from in there.

I'm glad I wasn't drunk or high or something. I'd probably think there was bomb hidden in my wall. I finally ended up located the source of the noise. It was coming from a drawer in the kitchen. It was a smoke detector that we had taken down when we first moved in and replaced with our high tech one. We didn't throw it away since we rent and plan on putting it back up when we move. I was completely frazzled afterwards. I had to take some melatonin just to settle down so I could go to sleep.
Finally, I must brag a little. One of the blogs I follow has a caption contest and I was last week's winner. Knowing my luck, I was probably the only person that entered. Anyway, here it is:

And if you want to join the fun, follow Leigh vs. Laundry. She's pretty damn funny.

Lastly, I told you in the last post about shit mountain I'd be back tomorrow to give you the rest of the insanity. Well, I kept my word. I even put a bow on it to make you feel special. I bet you didn't even notice.  Now I'm off to eat a cucumber and pretend it's fresh baked chocolate chips cookies.

Random Ramblings

I suppose I should advise you now that this will not be a typical blog about one topic. No. This post is going to end up a random mess of ideas, thoughts, and perceptions. There are a lot of erratic things going on in my brain at 1000 mph all at once. It’s like I have ADHD or something.

Anyway…

With summer coming to an end and the crazy 107 degree weather a thing of the distant past, my sinuses are going haywire. The kids have been all sniffly too. I got both of them their flu shot. My son yanked his arm away from the guy administering it. Then complained for the next few hours about how bad his arm hurt. I told the goober that he made it worse by being a wimp. Not to mention after all these years a doctor has finally realized my children do in fact have allergies and require prescriptions. Hooray! More ways to spend money! Yippee! Honestly, I’d rather buy shoes.


With no husband since mine is away at training awaiting his overseas "adventure", I am pretty lonely. I don’t mean in sexual sort of way (yet, anyway). Since we haven’t lived here long, I have yet to really click with anyone. I guess I’m anti-social but people tend to be jerks and/or pains in the ass. I prefer to keep my distance. Besides, everyone I’ve come across so far is very involved in their church. Although these people seem nice (and I’m sure most of them really are), I feel obligated to stifle who I am around them and I just find that to be challenging and down right unfair.

The truth is I curse, I drink, I smoke, and usually in that order. Furthermore, my faith (or lack thereof) falls somewhere in the middle of agnostic and atheist. That alone is enough to make me a social outcast here on the Bible belt. Of course, I’ve never been the sort of person to run out and join a club just to fit in and I’m not about to start now. When I think about it I’ve always been a sort of pariah in my own way and I’m okay with that. I much prefer to go my own way and not be just another sheep in the flock.

And now for something completely different…

Right now we are behind on a few bills. To prepare for my husband leaving the country, we had to dip into some of funding to pay for things like expedited passports, etc. One of the things that we are behind in right now is our truck note. I called to tell them we would be late but they still call EVERY day. It’s pretty annoying. It’s almost like they think if they call a ridiculous amount of time, the money I owe will miraculously materialize in my bank account. If that were the case, I’d be late all the time in hopes that money would overflow from my checkbook.  I'm greedy like that.  I like dollar, dollar bills, ya'll!

Since I’ve managed to get to the topic of money, I’ve been having a problem with email scams. This week alone I was contacted by two people (maybe it was actually the same person, I don’t know) about wanting to purchase Avon products from me. One person wanted to mail me a money order or cashiers check all the way from the United Kingdom to purchase almost $500 worth of products. The other person wanted me to run their credit card for over $2000 worth of stuff but mama didn't raise no fool. Don’t get me wrong. I would LOVE to get a huge ass order but I’m not a moron either. I’m not about to let some scammer take me for a ride. It makes me wonder how many foolish people have been scammed by these people.

Oh, by the way…shameless plug here…if you want to order Avon you can check out my online store at http://www.youravon.com/acoleman5971. All orders $30 or more receive FREE direct shipping to anywhere in the U.S. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

And way out in left field…WHY am I just getting around to watching Arrested Development?? Seriously! I recently watched the entire series on Netflix, a total of three seasons. That is one of the funniest shows I have ever seen. It’s right up there with My Name Is Earl and The Simpsons. I hate when gems such as these get past me. Apparently, it got past a lot of people since it was cancelled after the third season. The narrator in one episode even made the comment, “Tell your friends about this show.” If you haven’t watched it, you really should. And, of course, you can trust me. I mean, I have a blog on the Internet. Would someone who was lying to you be out here in the World Wide Web?

MUAHAHAHA! Sorry. I can’t help myself. There’s another reason I don’t have many friends. I lack self-control. At least, I had the decency to warn you from the beginning of this roller coaster ride of randomness so I can’t be all bad, right? Wait! Don’t answer that.