Would Jesus Like To Buy Some Popcorn?

Children are pretty interesting little creatures especially when they are your own. I’ve said before my son aspires to be a comedian and my daughter aspires to be a model as reflected by their day to day actions. Luckily, if those dreams happen to fall through they always have entrepreneurship to fall back on.

Currently, popcorn sales are underway for the Boy Scouts so my son is busting his ass trying to sell some overly-priced snack products. He called my husband’s grandfather and tried to convince him to purchase a $50 tin of chocolate covered crap. He did the same when he called my parents. He managed to get about $20 out of each of them.

My daughter felt the need to exercise her sales pitching skills as well so she got on the phone with my mom to tell her that I was selling stuff on eBay and she should definitely go there and bid on something…especially if it was something of hers. The agreement is whichever of their belongings sell they get to have the money. She loved selling Girl Scout cookies in the past but the thought of being able to keep the money for herself is all the more thrilling to her.

After that lovely conversation, my son asked if we were buying any popcorn. So I told the kids to pick something and braced myself for one or both of them to declare dibs on the $50 diabetic coma in a collector’s can. As I’ve said many times in other blog posts, every so often they do or say things that surprise you. This particular time was one of those times. My children agreed…let me back up here…they AGREED (!?!?!?) on the exorbitant cheese trio. They also asked if we could order a box of spicy microwave popcorn for their daddy’s first care package. How could I say no to their harmony and generosity? I mean, it seems so rare lately. Needless to say, it will cost a retarded $55 for approximately 40 ounces of popcorn.

Later, I took the boy to ask a few of our neighbors if they wanted to order anything to support the Boy Scouts. We ended up at Mrs. Sphere’s house. Mrs. Sphere is a very nice woman, extremely kind and intensely Christian. Anytime you go over there, you are always invited in and offered a glass of iced tea. Each time I go in I get stuck their at least an hour while she talks about her church and her favorite savior, Jesus, even though (or should I say more so since) I told her I was an agnostic on the cusp of atheism. I guess in a way I’m a sort of “project” for her. Boo! Thank goodness my boy had to go to his Boy Scout meeting. First rule of scouting, “Be prepared.” In this case, I knew I needed an exit strategy in place before we went there. Evacuation successful!

It really bugs me that nearly every person I come into contact with around here is nauseatingly nice but so blinded by their faith that they come across as illogical and unreasonable. I can’t deal with that. It burns me that people like Mrs. Sphere, while painfully sweet, feel the need to tell me about how great their god is every time I talk them. You are Christian. I get it, jeez! I’m not. We don’t need to discuss this topic every time we run into each other. Now shut the fuck up...please, ma'am. (You got to respect your elders.)

Here’s a thought. Does anyone else find it interesting that Christians, Mormons, and Jehovah’s Witnesses always seem to try to convert you? Ironically enough, they all think the other is wrong yet they believe in the same god. I’ve never been approached for conversion by a Muslim or a Jew. They must have a much more discriminating recruitment process. Another thought is Christians in particular talk about treating people the way you want to be treated. Well, if you don’t want me to try to alter your convictions than word from the wise, “Back off!!”

I try to teach my children tolerance for all people. Yep, tolerance is the key…that and a heaping helping of avoidance. In my opinion, religion itself is about as useless as expensive popcorn encased in a metal canister.  Maybe my son should hit Jesus up and see if he's in the market to purchase some popcorn.  What would Jesus do?  He would buy some popcorn.