Future Undetermined

For a little over a month, I had been keeping a journal.  I did it on a friend's suggestion that it would help me with the things I had been going through on an emotional level.  For nearly 30 days, I wrote my innermost thoughts.  Then I began to realize I don't want to dig that deep into myself.  With all the things that have been going on in my life in the past few years, diving that deep into my brain made me feel, well, depressed.  I would journal about certain topics and then feel shitty for the remainder of the day and sometimes into the next day.  I also felt that I kept continually rehashing the same things over and over and over again.  Anyone that knows me will tell you, me and emotions (especially sadness) are not very close.  Bring on the raging anger any day!  I don't do the tears...it feels like weakness and giving up to me.
So, now I decided what's best for me is to just scratch the surface.  I figure if I'm putting myself out there for all to see, I will express myself in a way that isn't so "poor me" which is more comfortable and true to life than what my journal was turning into.  I've decided that some things are better left inside your head...filed away deep in the back of your mind.  I know many arm chair psychiatrists and basement therapists will disagree but I'm going do what I feel is necessary and relevant to my life.
All those things said...on to the meat...
There is a very good chance my husband will be going away awhile for work.  I'm not looking forward to this at all but I look at it this way:

1. I have already dealt with two deployments.  The first one I did under very similar circumstances as right now and made it through.  The second was much easier.  I knew what to expect.  This time not only do I know what to expect, we are a little more financially prepared to handle whatever curve balls life throws our way.
2. Once he returns we will be much closer to being able to finally purchase a home.
3. We can get the debt monkeys off our backs.
4. We will have the opportunity to actually set aside a college fund for the kids.

I do not expect it to be a cake walk but I KNOW I can do this.  I know this because when backed into a corner the claws always come out!  When push comes to shove, I'm going to do whatever I need to do to move my family forward just like what my husband is doing.
He said in taking this job he will have a supervisor position on top of working directly under a three star general.  He said that if he can add that general as a reference on his resume in addition to all the experience he will gain going away, his career will be golden.  I hope he's right.
At this point, I'm ready to pray to any god, stick pins in a voodoo doll, light a candle or two, or sacrifice a goat just to ensure that this all works out to our benefit.  I'm just tired of struggling and having nothing to show for it.  I'm not some high maintenance person either.  When I say I want something to show for it, I mean I want a house.  And I'm not talking some five story mansion with an indoor pool and a mini movie theater.  I just want a quaint home on some land.  I'm not fond of neighbors...I'm not fond of people in general for that matter.  I want enough money to be able to pay my bills, put money on the side for my children to attend college, and have a little left over for minor upsets that arise from time to time and/or a little entertainment cash.  I don't need a yacht although a small boat would be nice.  I don't need a $50,000 vehicle...just a small vehicle that gets me from point A to point B when needed.  I want my kids birthdays and Christmas to roll around and not scrounge for pennies just to buy them a gift or two just so something is under our tree or next to their cake.
We will make it there someday and by my husband taking this job it feels within our grasp.  Hopefully in two years, I'll be able to blog about how everything worked out.  I must say though, many times I wonder what the hell I did in a past a life since nothing has seemed to go as we've planned.  I have my fingers crossed we have finally paid our debt to fate and now things will start to look up.  We shall see, won't we?