Sexual Healing

Mark my words! Super Deuce is going to be the death of me.


Today shortly after my children came home from school, my doorbell rang. The teenager from across the street was at my doorstep looking a bit frazzled. She said, “Is your dog okay?”

This confused me because I had no idea why he wouldn’t be. “I’m pretty sure. Why?”

“Your dog got out and attacked my dog.”

My heart sank.

She has a little yippee dog and, as you see, I have a 65 lb. sumo beast. I really thought she was going to tell me that he mauled her dog. Without hesitation I told her if she ends up taking Fuzzball (or whatever the dog’s name is) to the vet, I would take care of it.

After she left I thought it would be a good idea to bring the rabies certificate over so that the family would know that my dog wasn’t harboring cooties. This time I spoke to the girl and the grandmother. The grandmother said they checked the dog pretty thoroughly and didn’t find any cuts or anything and they said she wasn’t limping or acting like she was in any pain.

After talking to her I found out, her dog was a female. The girl said Deuce chased the dog down the street and pinned it down. Knowing this, I thought it was outrageous that her dog was even still alive. She said she yelled at him to go home and he did. She said he just trotted right back into the garage.

Then it dawned on me that the reason her dog did not become a Scooby snack was because my Deuce is a lover not a fighter. He was looking to score some poochie tail. His internal soundtrack was probably blaring Marvin Gay’s “Let’s Get It On” as he chased the bitch down the street. Deuce needs a prostitute quick!

Later, I discussed the importance of closing the garage door once again with my kids. My son said he pressed the button to shut the garage and my daughter backed up his story. They NEVER agree which made me think maybe, just maybe, he did actually think he closed the garage door. Maybe it started to shut and the dumb ass dog jetted out and was picked up by the sensors which would have made the door open back up. The world will never know. I’m just glad no one (animal or human) was hurt.

The dog is going to make me crazy! In the words of Annie (Annie, 1982), “Dumb dog, dumber than they come, dog. You’re the most presuming dog that a human could know.”



P.S. Just for shits and giggles…

I just told my son to go take a bath and my daughter informed him that he smelled like butt with a splash of whip cream. LMAO! WTF!